How Long Should You Wait for Him to Commit?
By Marni Battista. Posted on .
When he seems to be perfect "on paper," it's very difficult to know how long you should wait for him to make a long-term commitment. There are no hard-and-fast rules about how much time is enough for a man to decide whether or not he wants to commit to you. Different types of men and relationships will require different approaches. Here are several different types of men along with ideas about how to approach each to determine whether or not there is long-term potential.
The Pretender
This type of man acts like he's in the relationship for the long term but remains unwilling to discuss marriage. If this describes your man, it's time to sit down and have a bigger conversation. Many women believe that if they bring up marriage it will send the man scurrying, but it's normal and healthy for you to want to discuss this with a man who's truly looking for a long-term commitment and has shared this with you in the first few months of dating. Tell him you're enjoying spending time with him, love him, and want to check in to make sure you're both on the same page regarding the relationship. Ask him if there's a time that works for him where you could spend some time together talking. Then, once you're face to face, revisit the relationship goal conversation. Remind him, "I’m in a place where marriage is very important to me, and I'm wondering if you see this relationship progressing in that way?" It may seem scary. The fact is, he might say no; but if that's his answer, it's important for you to know this sooner rather than later.
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There are women who avoid this conversation for months or even years, hoping their partners will see how fantastic they are and then be inspired to change. While this could happen, the odds are that you may be waiting a very long time while building up a healthy amount of resentment—which is certain to be a relationship drain.
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If your partner won't discuss a timeline or is unable to define exactly what it is he's waiting for before making the leap, you'll be forced to ask yourself how long you're willing to wait for him to decide. You also need to decide what you need him to do to show you there's movement in the direction you desire. For example, is he willing to go to counseling with you to sort through the issue? Is he willing to tell you what's holding him back? Can he articulate it?
If it's a challenge that has more to do with his past or his own challenges, is he willing to seek coaching or counseling individually? Ultimately, being in this position could make you feel somewhat powerless. But if you set small milestones that show he's willing to work toward a mutual goal, it could be important to practice patience. However, if the man you're dating cannot commit or tells you marriage isn't in his cards, you ultimately must choose what you want in your life in terms of relationships and commitment.
