"I don’t know who I am anymore! My confidence is gone." This is how I felt during my divorce, and for years after it, too. It has taken a huge amount of time for me to really be comfortable in my own skin. I finally do, but the question is: why did it take so long?
Why did I rely so heavily on men, as my clients do, to feel validated or that I was good enough? The simple answer is that I could not see how amazing I was. My self esteem was low, and I needed people outside of me to make me feel better about myself.
Women who have experienced physical, verbal or emotional abuse, or who have been at the receiving end of an affair tend to be the ones that lack this confidence the most; they have come to believe they are what a man perceives them to be. They have subconsciously used their relationship to give them the self-esteem they were lacking, when they should have been cultivating it from within.
Do you find yourself in this place? The problem with being in this position is that you perceive yourself to be the victim of circumstance. Or at least I did.
Self-proclaimed victims end up feeling really stuck. They live in fear, limiting their life by buying into these feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. They worry about their future, thinking not only about their loneliness, but fearing that money will run out, that they will become homeless, and that will be the end of it.
Being a victim is like living with a subtle terminal illness. It will slowly but surely suck the living daylights out of you and keep you going around in circles, never allowing you to attract the true love you are yearning for.
The problem with this, of course, is that the victim and doubting part of your brain are friends. The doubting part wants to keep you "safe," and hates change. It will tell you things like, "There isn't enough. Your money will run out. Making change is dangerous." Listening to this talk is part of the problem because it will keep you stuck with no self esteem. And having no self esteem will keep you from gaining clarity. You will be surviving versus thriving.
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