Why Susan Patton has no idea what she's talking about.
My clients and friends often push dating articles in front of me, asking for my opinion on their content. More often than not, I value and agree with opinions of my fellow matchmakers, dating coaches and therapist. Until today, when, by chance, I came across a New York Post article by Susan Patton who dubs herself "Princeton Mom." In it, Ms. Patton gives eight reasons why New York Women can't get a husband. By reason number three, I decided that this subject needs to be addressed. Moreover, I decided that this article, in particular, needs to be addressed to return to women of New York (and women everywhere, for that matter) their sense of self-worth, confidence and pride in their individuality and personality. Here are Ms. Patton's reasons:
- You Drink Too Much: Yes, ladies, just like that. All of you! In one big swoop, Ms. Patton christened all of us (yes, as a New Yorker, myself included) alcoholics. "Honestly, do you think that you're at your most attractive when you are drunk, slurring your words and on the verge of puking?" asks Patton. "You're not, and by drinking to excess, you put yourself at risk. Women who are sloppy drunks are a huge turnoff, as is the smell of puke on your hair." To be sure, having seen some of the sloppy drunks to whom Ms. Patton is referring, I will concur; not a pretty picture at all. However, to label every New York woman a drunkard — now that's taking it to a whole new different level. Yes, many of us do meet our friends and colleagues in bars and lounges. Yes, many of us do drink in these establishments. Most of us, nonetheless, are intelligent enough and shrewd enough to know how much vino to consume in different settings and situations. Do I agree with Ms. Patton who states that bars are not the best places to meet a husband? In most cases. But to that, again, I have to add a number of happy couples that I know who will proudly tell you that their meeting took place as a chance encounter at a local pub. As an alternative, Ms. Patton offers NYC museums as a place to meet potential husbands. She claims you can have a meaningful conversation over Monet or Mondrian. Ladies, in this scenario, Ms. Patton is correct. But only if you wish to relocate! Yes, there are functions held at each of our great museums. Yes, these functions are great places to meet likeminded men. On regular visits, however, not so much. As a member and regular visitor to both the MoMA and the Met, I can assure you that the only single men you will meet there are tourists. So if you're looking for a quaint house in the suburbs of Ohio, by all means, find your spouse at the Guggenheim.
- You Might As Well Be Married To Your iPhone: Uhm yes, to an extent. But does that make us any different from girls in California or Texas? I am pretty sure they have iPhones in those states, and womens' behavior with them is not much different from ours. Checking an iPhone has never stopped a girl from being proposed to, I am sure.
- You Wear Too Much Black: And that's where Ms. Patton insulted the holy grail of a New York Woman. Yes, we wear black. And no, you cannot mistake us for the widows of Sicily. A New York girl wears her black dress as proudly as a boxer wears his broken nose. Where, in the world, can you find such a variety of black outfits in style and design? It is especially comical, when Ms. Patton suggests a "pastel-colored frock" as a way to dress "with more sophistication." Not sure which word fits a New York girl's vocabulary less: frock or pastel. One thing is for sure, no New York woman would ever dream of using the words "pastel" and "sophistication" in the same sentence. Unless, of course, she is "drunk, slurring your words and on the verge of puking."
- You're Dating Too Many Guys At Work: I can't even tackle that one, because I'm not sure where that's coming from. What statistic did Ms. Patton use to decide that is a unique problem New York Women face? Considering that she also threw into the same paragraph the fact that New Yorkers date married men, I will just leave this one to unfortunate place-filler on Ms. Patton's part.
- You Spend Too Much Time With Your Gay Best Friend: Yes, Ms. Patton. Guilty as charged. But I can assure you that no New York girl, or any other girl for that matter, has ever chosen to spend a night with her gay friend if the alternative is a hot husband possibility.
- You're Ignoring Your Biological Clock: No, Ms. Patton. New York Girls are highly educated and intelligent. They know all about their biological clocks. However, they prefer to wait for the right man to find them, rather than have an amateur try and ruin them.
- You Hook Up Too Much: Another empty statistic, Ms. Patton? That section almost had me at the statement about being too easy and giving it up too quick. But then I read this: "The women who troll the Meatpacking District are in the business of one-night stands, but if you are looking for a more substantial relationship, you have to pace yourself and engage in a very slow dance towards intimacy." Now I did not go to Princeton, but I know when I read this statement, I read a whole lot of nothing. Firstly "women who troll"? What is the difference between having dinner in the Meatpacking District and "trolling"? Or is Ms. Patton using that interchangeably? But then comes "pace yourself and engage in a very slow dance towards intimacy." What does my "trolling" have to do with slow dancing towards intimacy? How are the two sentences connected? Even if Ms. Patton turned us toward the library from the Meatpacking District, I would understand her logic. But no such, luck. I, therefore, attribute this section to just another unfortunate word-filler.
- You Over-Rely On NYC Conveniences: Ms. Patton had me with a perfectly legitimate thought that a woman should get out of the house if she wants to meet a man, but then, there is this precious statement: "But Seamless, FreshDirect and Netflix are making you lazy and, if Chinese is your takeout of choice, fat." I, for one, will argue that FreshDirect and Seamless, not just Chinese, can make you fat. So, here is yet another awful combination of words that means nothing when all thrown together.
So what does it all mean? It means that New York Women are not any better or worse than women anywhere in the world. Donning a 'pastel-colored frock' will not help you find a relationship. Before you make a vow to stop drinking and meeting friends in the Meatpacking District in order to find a husband, you need to find yourself. Your true self, who may wear black and frequent bars. The self that likes to order Chinese food and sneak into midnight showings of old French films. And yes, that self may even own an iPhone and have an occasional affair with a guy from the office. But it has to be yourself — that one with which you're comfortable. The one that you know and love. And if some fairytale guy does not like women who wear black and visit nightclubs every now and then, then he's not your guy. He can find his pastel-wearing, slow-dancing, biological-clock-free wife somewhere else. Just not here — not in you.