One of the greatest gifts of being a coach, is to see people’s lives transform before your eyes, and to know that in some way, small or large, you played a role in that occurring.
Over the last two weeks, I’ve been blessed to have three clients (one former, two current) who were wanting to create “luscious life partnership” in their lives, have it come to fruition and are now engaged to be married.
Three women, one in their 30’s, one in their 40’s and one in her 50’s; all smart, savvy and successful women creating what they want and need in a relationship.
While all the fanfare of planning a wedding, rings, etc. is exciting, the real gift is the excitement of the next chapter of building their lives together, and all the growth that they’ve gone through in the process.
Kierkegard said, “Life is to lived forward, but understood backwards.” I call those understandings, “Luscious Life Lessons,” and rather than recount their stories, I will share the luscious life lessons that all of them in one way or another went through in order to attract luscious life partnership. Lessons that continue to resonate for me on a regular basis, whether you are wanting to attract luscious life partnerships into your life, or deepen the one you’re already in.
1) Let go of what you think relationships “should” look like, and create the one you want
While it’s imperative to be clear what you want and need in a relationship, and create one that speaks to those important aspects, it’s imperative to let go what that should “look like.” So many people let go of potential relationships that could really develop, because it doesn’t “look the way a relationship should look.” I’m not talking about settling, or denying what’s important, but let go of the pictures. We’re inundated with them through media, fairy tales, etc. Don’t give up on what you want, but surrender to what it may or may not look like.
2) Reframe what “chemistry” looks and feels like in a relationship
We place so much emphasis on it, yet don’t even understand what it means. If you’ve been hard wired to be with the “bad boys” or terminally unavailable men, then guess what, “the good guys” won’t start your engine, so to speak. I’ve seen it over and over, sometimes, a woman needs to “let her body catch up” to being attracted to someone who is really right for her.
Again, no “settling” or trying to convince yourself otherwise here, just remember, “Attraction is sometimes like poison ivy, it just creeps up on you, gets under your skin, when you’re not expecting it.”
3) Be clear about what your requirements, needs and wants of a relationship (not partner) is. In vagueness, there’s discontent. If you’re not clear what you’re wanting to create in your partnership, how will you know when and if it shows up? Knowing your requirements (non-negotiables), needs (important but not deal breakers), and wants (wouldn’t it be fabu wish list), gives you a blueprint to let go while staying clear. Remember it’s for the relationship not the person. Creating a checklist for a person sets up a forced and contrived atmosphere that makes you feel like you’re on an interview rather than a date. But a list of guiding principles and qualities that you want the relationship to support is empowering for both of you.
4) Be in dialogue versus monologue
Monologues that stay in our own head, about our assumptions, needs wants, and feelings are roadmaps for disappointment. When we are courageous to share the deepest part of ourselves, express our needs in a responsible way, those are the stepping stones for intimacy and bonding. It also permits your partner to be vulnerable as well. When you’re feeling stuck in a relationship, often, you’re stuck in a monologue.
5) See luscious life partnership as a classroom to laugh and learn
So often we look for a relationship to fix or complete us, to cure our loneliness, bolster our self-esteem, rather than a classroom to laugh and learn and develop as human beings through partnership. When we seek the latter, you don’t “fall in love,” but “grow in love,” becoming stronger and truer to yourself in the process. I also believe that in the most powerful relationships, you’ll meet the person where there is the greatest healing available. While seldom comfortable, there will be important soul lessons available through this partnership. Also, sprinkle in humor wherever possible, nothing will shift an argument or disagreement faster than laughing at some piece of it. Laughter allows for a shift in perception. And with that shift, you can both open your heart, and start to see the other person’s perspective as well.
6) Get clear of what you want but also what’s stopping you from having it
Along with getting very clear of what you want in a relationship, it’s so important to honor what I call “the objections,” those parts of you that are scared to have it. One of my clients said it perfectly, “If you drive with the brakes on, not only will you not get there, but you’ll hurt the engine in the process.” The subconscious mind is a very powerful thing. If it is not aligned with what you want, you can affirm, law of attraction until the proverbial cows come home, but if you don’t give voice or get to know the parts that are resistant or afraid, you’ll have a much harder time creating it, often sabotaging yourself at every corner.
Lastly, don’t give up 5 minutes before the relationship miracle. It’s there…for you, for everyone!