Mr. Wrong or Mr. Right? How to tell if it’s time to stay or go

By

Mr. Wrong or Mr. Right? How to tell if it’s time to stay or go

Know what you want
So often I hear from my clients that they feel they stayed too long in the wrong relationship, only to later regret all that wasted time. The best way to guarantee that you don't waste time in the wrong relationship is to become clear about what you want BEFORE you get into a relationship. That starts with knowing your relationship requirements. Even if you're already in a relationship, go ahead and make your list of your non-negotiable requirements. If your current partner or person you’re dating doesn't meet them (and is incapable of meeting them), that may be a clear indication that Mr. Maybe is actually Mr. Wrong.

Become a red flag specialist
When you're dating someone, they reveal themselves through both words and actions (unless they're a serious con artist). It's up to YOU to pay attention. And it's equally important to become a red flag specialist, a.k.a. someone who can easily and unemotionally identify a relationship red flag when it's presented to her. Everyone's red flags are different, and they're based on your relationship requirements and core values. If your potential cutie is consistently late, that could be a red flag. If your date claims to be smart, together, financially secure, etc., but his actions tell you a different story, your red flag alert system should sound the alarm.

Develop 20/20 vision
Rather than project a fantasy of who you'd like your date to be, it's essential that you take off any rose colored goggles you're wearing and see the men you date for the individuals they really and truly are. By being clear about your requirements and honing your ability to identify red flags as they are presented to you, you’ll cut down on wasted dating time and avoid getting into a relationship with someone who doesn't meet your requirements.

Put a timeline on The Waiting Game
If you're in a relationship and are waiting for your partner to make some changes (get a job, fix their finances, get out of their funk, etc.) before you decide whether to stay or go, put a deadline on your waiting game. And feel free to communicate the deadline to your partner. Let them know if you don't see promised changes in a reasonable timeline, you're not going to just hang around and wait for them to get their act together. You have needs, too, and they don't involve putting off your life indefinitely while your partner tries to “figure things out.”

1, 2, 3 strikes you're out
In baseball, there's a reason you only get three strikes before you're out. Otherwise, the game would go on and on, strike after strike, with no end in sight. Dating requires a similar rule -- the Three Strikes Rule. If you play by the Three Strikes Rule, you give potential dates a margin of error without feeling taken advantage of. If your date is consistently late, doesn't call when he says he’s going to, behaves inappropriately, or engages in any other unacceptable dating behavior, you reserve the right to call Strike One. And it's important that you call him on it so that your strike system is clear. If he repeats the same behavior, Strike Two. And again, reiterate your needs, letting him know you're not messing around. Strike Three? He’s out (regardless of how cute he is).

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Lisa Steadman

Author

Lisa Steadman

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Dating/Being Single Support, Life Management
Other Articles/News by Lisa Steadman:

"The Force Wasn't With Us" — A Star Wars Breakup

By

In 2004, I launched The Breakup Chronicles because I had just had my heart smashed to smithereens for the umpteenth time and needed to figure out why I was getting love so wrong, so consistently. The common denominator was most definitely me. In writing about some of my key relationships, I needed to figure out what I did wrong, how I contributed to the demise ... Read more

Foster Parenting: When Dad Is Doting And Mom Is A Moody Impostor

By

I've always known I married a man who is a far better human being than I. (My own father who loves and adores me actually told me this on my wedding day so you know it’s legit.) It should therefore come as no surprise that The Hubs took to foster-parenting "The Wee One" like a champ. It was freakish, really. Here's a man who, on ... Read more

4 Reasons To Get Back With An Ex - Or Not

By

It's over: not only is your relationship in the rearview mirror, your breakup is settling into the dust, too. And yet here you are, thinking about your ex and wondering if you gave up too quickly. Asking yourself if it's too late to make the relationship work. I get it. I've been there. Once upon a time — way before marriage with "The ... Read more

See More

GET MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS IN YOUR INBOX!

Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

FROM AROUND THE WEB