Lesli Doares (LMFT)
MY RECENT COMMENTS
I really appreciate the distinction about what it means to commit infidelity. I agree that breaking your commitment to the relationship is key. Thanks.
Posted on: Infidelity Keeps Us Together?
This article seems to contradict many of your earlier positions. While I agree that abuse is a deal breaker for marriage, the other two do not. #2 talks about leaving if you've grown apart and don't want to work on it and the children will be fine. That is not what the research shows. It is true that children do better with divorce if the marriage is high conflict, otherwise they do worse. Walking away from a commitment to them and their other parent just because you don't want to hold yourself accountable is why there is such a high divorce rate. I don't think people should be in miserable marriages either but unless they have made a concerted effort to address what underlies the misery, divorce is selfish. Your marriage most likely didn't start this way, but grew to it. That means it can grow back. There are more than just the two options of divorce or marriage as is. One of the biggest misunderstandings about marriage is that it's just about you and your temporal state of happiness. Unless people value the commitment marriage vows entail, there will be no positive movement in the divorce rates.
Posted on: Knowing When to Call it Quits
Great post. I appreciate your position that you shouldn't have to work hard to attract and keep your partner. If you present yourself in an honest, complete and loving way you won't need to manipulate to have a good relationship. As you say, it will keep you from having that relationship. Being okay in your own skin is key to successful relationships. It's also where most people fall short because of the self-awareness and honesty that's required.
I so appreciate this perspective. The purpose of premarital work isn't to change your mind about your partner but to prepare you to handle the challenges building a life with someone else entails. Few people would get up one day and just decide to run a marathon--they would train for it. Many focus on the wedding and trust that love will take care of the marriage. There are skills and tools that can make that job smoother and increase the chance of success. There are many ways to train for marriage, don't leave yours to chance.
I really love the analogy of what a person does when lost--they slow down and get their bearings. Too many couples jump from the frying pan into the fire when trying to stop the hurt. Slowing down, looking at options, or just doing nothing for a time are great ideas. Making life changing decisions when in a position of pain can make a bad situation worse.
Posted on: A Band-Aid For A Marriage In Crisis