Stop Searching For Perfect and Find Your Soul Mate


Stop Searching For Perfect and Find Your Soul Mate
10 Steps to Dating Success: Don't Be So Picky, THE ONE for you might be the person you least expect!

Ancient Greek lore tells us that God originally made humans as one part male, one part female. They had four arms, four legs, and one head with two faces. However, the Greek God Zeus, the Ruler of the Sky and Thunder found this being to be so powerfully intimidating that he split it into two separate humans, one male and one female. Each being is now forced to wander the earth searching for their other half to complete them—their soulmate. So, how do you find yours?

Step 1. Don't let Zeus dictate your life.

Let go of the thinking that there is one person out there for you. When we think of soulmates, we often think of them in terms of ""the one." But in reality, there are many people out there who you could fall madly and hopelessly in love with and who you can have an amazing life with. Rather than thinking of "the one," put out there that you're looking for the right person. There are lots of different people out there who you might be compatible with, who you might fall in love with, and who you might have an amazing life with.

Step 2. Make a list to make clear on what you wantBut Not too Clear. 

I had a girlfriend who, more than anything, just wanted to find a nice Jewish doctor, get married, and have a baby. She made it her mission to find someone like it was her part-time job. She went out on Internet dates as often as she could, sometimes seeing three guys in one weekend. But after each date, she'd come up with an excuse as to why there was something wrong with the guy.

"Oh he didn't know who Lou Reed is. I could never marry a guy who doesn't know who Lou Reed is...He wore Birkenstocks. I seriously could never commit to a man in Birkenstocks... He ordered a Cosmopolitan! Can you believe it? I can't date a guy who doesn't drink Scotch neat."

After a few years, she couldn't get on the subway without seeing at least one of her dating casualties. And as the years went on, she began to see them with their girlfriends, then their wives, then their wives and kids. It was excruciating. The Birkenstock dude had exchanged his sandals for wingtips, the Lou Reed guy pulled his twins onto the G-train in a Radio Flyer wagon, and the Cosmo guy moved to Connecticut with his wife, baby, and Mastiff. She kept watching them drop off and she felt so left behind. Eventually, she did find love and at this time, I'm happy to report that she and her husband and their one and a half kids are living happily in Park Slope. By the way, she married an Episcopalian photographer.

Make a list of everything you want in a partner, from the deal-breakers to the 'that would be nice.' Then prioritize your top three.  Just three. No more. That's the deal-breaker list. So if your top three are "funny, smart, & kind" and you meet someone who is funny and smart, but not very kind, you know that's a deal-breaker. If you prioritize "rich, catholic, and smart" and you meet a smart Catholic person who is as poor as a mouse, you know that for you, that's a deal-breaker. Be honest with yourself about what you really need and what's most important to you.  Anything beyond that is a bonus. If you stick too strictly to a long list, you're limiting yourself and perhaps missing out on a really great person.

Step 3. Visualize the way you want to feel in a relationship.

In addition to thinking about what you want from another person, begin to focus on how you want to feel in a relationship. Imagine what it would be like to feel safe, comfortable, and at ease with a partner. Often I see people who feel so anxious in relationships. They are constantly thinking that they are not good enough, not smart enough, that their boyfriend or girlfriend is going to dump them, or that the relationship is just too hard. When you put out the energy into the universe of who you would like to be in a relationship and then you begin to act that way outside of a relationship (safe, secure, and at peace with yourself) you attract the right person. Try one of these guided meditations to bring the right person to you.

Step 4. Remember, it's not you, it's them—let go of your fear of rejection.

Lots of people are terrified of rejection, so they choose not to honestly put themselves out there. Be very honest about who you are and what you want so that you can actually attract people who have similar ideas about who and what they want out of relationships. The truth of the matter is, if you put yourself out there, you will at some point probably be rejected. That's great! You want to be rejected by someone who doesn't want what you want. It's a good thing. 

If it seems as though someone is not into it, try to move on quickly. Don't torture yourself by trying to change for them. Don't wait for them to come around. You are better than that. If you find yourself obsessing on someone who is just not into it, try to redirect that energy back to yourself. If they are not wanting to be in a relationship with you then you know that they are not the one. And that's fine because you have many other options out there.

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Leora Fulvio, MFT

Marriage and Family Therapist

Leora Fulvio, California Licensed MFT

Online Psychotherapy & Hypnotherapy


Author of Reclaiming Yourself from Binge Eating, A Step-by-Step Guide to Healing

Location: San Francisco, CA
Credentials: CHT, LMFT, MA
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