Want A Healthy Relationship? Stop Making It "All About Him"

kissing the moon

He wants an interesting woman, not an obsessed one-girl fan club!

I was obsessed with a man once. It was a relationship destined to fail from the beginning. But sometimes we get swept up. I certainly did. I convinced myself it was love, until I realized something important.  

Have you experienced these signs in your past relationships?

I met "S" at a media event. He was a "celebrity" chef and I was a fan. He kissed me that night and I almost blacked out the kiss was so good. It felt like all of the blood in my body rushed to my head. I was dizzy, delirious, and completely taken by this man with a big personality, whose lips tasted like cigarettes and cheap beer. We were sitting amongst a group of other writers and tastemakers, but we were in our own little world.

"Give me a hug; I want to feel you," he said in a flirtatious, cocky, 'I know I'm pretty damn amazing' sort of way.

That hug turned into passionate kisses, which grew into a physical connection so powerful that whenever I was around him from that point forward, I felt high.

I became strangely addicted to him, as if he was a drug. I needed him. My body ached for his touch, for his love, for his presence. My life revolved around him. But, sadly, so did his. He was the center of our lives and our conversations.

I fell into this delusional state in which I truly believed that I was deliriously happy.

But, it was in my few moments alone, away from him, that the haze began to thin and clear, and I would feel this intense opposite feeling—this anger, this resentment that we hadn't talked about me for 6 months; that I was merely a planet revolving around his sun, that my friends, my family, my priorities, my goals, my life held no significance. My world didn't carry as much weight, because what was important to him, to me, to "us" ... was him!

Yes, we were working towards a common goal—his success. But suddenly I felt angry, dammit! This was bullshit. I matter, too. In fact, I'm pretty damn interesting. Someone should care about what I have to say. I have things to talk about that have nothing to do with him.

The problem was: I was his fan, and I always was. I adored him—I put him on a pedestal, found every word that came out of his mouth interesting ... and he found me interesting, too. He also found her and her (and every other female he crossed paths with) "interesting," as well.

But, what was most interesting about the situation is that it was completely opposite of my last relationship, which I left because I was the interesting one. I was the one who was always on display, who had all of the stories, who was the center of attention ... and I didn't like it. I wanted to share the limelight, to share the focus, be equally interesting, and interested in what each other had to say and did.

Relationships must be equal, with both partners playing on the same field, on the same team. Adoring each other is great, but you can adore, admire, and respect, and still be equals.

Being interested and interesting are two musts when it comes to finding a new potential long-term mate. In other words: you matter to him, and he matters to you. It's something that you can gauge in the first few minutes of talking. Pay attention to the balance and do your part to contribute. Being interesting is how you will stand out, and that's an essential.

Because yes, there truly are plenty of fish. If you want to stand out, then stand out! Don't be a wallflower or a nod-and-smile girl, giving one word answers and avoiding going into detail. Don't let him be the only one with stories, charisma, and personality. 

Regardless of your age, social status, education, or life experience, you are interesting—you have a perspective, you have insight and an opinion, so share it. Don't be a know-it-all; you aren't trying to one-up, and it isn't a competition. This is a conversation, and conversations are give and take, reciprocal, and equal.

Bring something to the table ... you!

Be interested in what he has to say. Be interesting so that he can't help but listen to what you have to say. If he really doesn't care about your point of view, if he blows off your contribution to the conversation, if he zones out when it's your turn to talk ... he's not the guy for you.

What It Means To "Be Interested":

He takes an interest in you, in what you have to say, in what you do, and in who you are as a human. Why does this matter? Because he makes you feel important, which helps to boost your self-esteem and makes you want to continue to do interesting things, and be an interesting human. It also makes you feel like you aren't in a one-sided relationship with an egomaniac that loves to be interesting, but not-so-interested in you.

What It Means To "Be Interesting":

He is interesting. He does mind-expanding things. He goes to eye-opening places. He has a career that you find intellectually stimulating, and you actually want to talk or inquire about it. He enjoys activities that include you, and that challenge and excite you. He has personal passions that you also find inspiring and would enjoy exploring.

Check out my video below for more tips:


Explore YourTango