6 Love Lessons For Katie Holmes During Her Divorce

The latest report on Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise is that they've agreed not to say anything derogatory about each other for the sake of their daughter Suri. Stevie Wonder and his soon-to-be ex wife, Kai Millard Morris, also seem to have an amicable split so far. Should You Stay Married For The Sake Of Your Kids?

Both of these divorces are in sharp contrast to the Paul McCartney and Heather Mills public angerfest that occurred awhile back, when they flung a flurry of derogatory statements at each other. I'm willing to bet, though, that both Katie and Kai do feel some anger at their exes. Anger and divorce often go together, even if you're suppressing your emotions.

Buddhism refers to anger as one of the three poisons of the mind, along with greed and foolishness. Yet, after divorce, feeling angry at your ex-husband can be healthy, up to a point. Anger is the second stage of grief. In order to heal, you have to get through your anger before you can accept that your marriage is over.

Your bitter feelings may be obvious or you may be suppressing them. If you pretend you don't feel angry because you know it's not right to hate another human being or because you don't want your kids to see how you feel about their father, your anger may get buried inside of you. Sometimes it gets buried so deeply you don't even realize it's there because it's camouflaged by the sadness you feel over your divorce.

Letting go of anger isn't easy; it latches on and won't let go. However, there are far more reasons to permanently release this negative emotion than to cling to it. Help! My Family Is Very Judgmental About My Divorce [VIDEO]

Here are six ways to leave your anger behind so you can be more at peace after divorce:

1. Set a time limit. Give yourself permission to be angry at first, but mark a date on the calendar, we'll call it Forgive My Ex-Husband Day, when you will start to release those bad after divorce feelings. Ideally, no more than six to eight weeks after the divorce is finalized. During that time, give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to really feel the anger.

More divorce advice from YourTango:

• Will Men Date Divorced Women?
• The Real Reason Facebook Causes One-Third Of Divorces
• Is Divorce Becoming a Luxury?

Put your ex's photo on a dart board and take aim, hit a punching bag, rip up any photos you have of him or write an angry letter to your ex-husband and then rip it up without sending it to him. Then, on your Forgive My Ex-Husband Day, put the brakes on any angry behavior.

2. Realize you don't wear anger well. Perform an experiment: stand in front of the bathroom mirror and start talking about your ex-husband. Pretend you're telling a friend about how angry you are at him. Look at the expression on your face as you're talking about him. Do you look attractive? Probably not. There's nothing pretty about anger; it looks more like a charging rhino than a beautiful rose.

Now, stand in front of the mirror and talk about something you love to do such as a hobby you're passionate about. How does your face look now? Chances are good you look a lot more beautiful and a lot more pleasant to be around than when you were talking and thinking about your ex.

When you see for yourself how the anger transforms you into something you really don't want to be, it will encourage you to let those bitter feelings go. This is especially important as you begin dating after divorce and want to look and feel your best. 10 Happy Reminders Of Why Divorce Is Sometimes A Beautiful Thing

3. Learn that good men are out there. When you're angry at your ex-spouse it's not hatred without borders. The hatred will seep into other relationships you have with men. When you begin dating again, it will show up in your online dating profile when you say things like "I'm looking for a man who doesn't play games." Or when you mention how tired you are of men who are dishonest.

The more you mention what you don't want and how distrusting you are of men, the more you're going to scare away the truly good ones. Good men, the emotionally mature kind who will treat you right and who are willing to resolve conflict, don't want women who come with baggage.

If you believe that just because your ex-husband hurt you all men will hurt you, find proof good men are out there. Volunteer at a non-profit or become more involved in church activities so that you can observe kind behavior of the opposite sex. Notice the unique personalities of the men you encounter so that you can understand that all men really aren’t the same in every way. Spend more time with female friends who have been married a long time so that you can restore your faith that true love is possible.

At the same time, avoid hanging out with any man-bashing female friends. Foster new friendships with women who are upbeat, positive, happy, and who genuinely like men. Attend self-growth workshops where you can meet positive people and discover ways to restore your faith that there are good guys out there.

4. Remember that anger harms you not him. There's a lot of scientific truth to the old saying that resentment is like swallowing poison and expecting it to kill the other person. Anger has some horrible consequences in your body. Studies have shown that anger can give you heart disease and harden your arteries, and worsen already existing cardiovascular conditions. Researchers also have linked anger to an increased risk of developing diabetes and irritable bowel syndrome.

On the opposite side of the scale studies have shown forgiveness improves heart health, lowers blood pressure and is associated with less medication use. If you truly feel your ex-husband has hurt you emotionally do you really want him to continue to destroy your physical health as well?

5. Acknowledge, that after divorce, anger prevents solutions. If you're holding on to anger, it's stopping you from finding solutions to problems. For instance, let's say your husband left you for a younger woman. You're understandably angry and believe that all men want younger women.

So when you start dating again, if you're not getting a lot of good responses to your online dating profile, instead of asking yourself how you can rewrite the profile to attract more quality men you'll be thinking that all men want younger women.

6. Feel sorry for your ex-husband. If you can get to the place where you feel sorry for your ex, your anger will melt away and turn into compassion. Let's use Tiger Woods, a serial cheater, as one example. It would be easy for his ex-wife Elin to hate him but Tiger Woods is probably never going to have a fulfilling, long-lasting connection with a woman. How sad is that to go your whole life without a real, loving connection?

Sometimes, to summon up compassion, it helps to understand why your ex-husband did what he did. Take for example a woman who wants to go back to school to pursue her master's degree but her husband keeps discouraging her. They argue more and more and eventually get a divorce. At first glance her husband seems like a selfish jerk because he discouraged her from fulfilling her dream. But what if that same man's parents had divorced right after his own mother had earned her doctorate degree? And now he's subconsciously terrified the same thing will happen in his own marriage. The key is to replace your anger with sympathy by understanding your ex-husband’s motivations.

The sooner you can release your anger after divorce the sooner you can feel more lighthearted and at peace and increase your chance of finding true love. The 3 Things You Must Do To Find Love After Divorce

Kimberly Pryor is an author and host of The Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce Mountain Retreat September 15 – 17, 2012 at North Lake Tahoe. The event features 15 authors and experts who will show you how to feel whole again after divorce, forgive your ex-husband, help your kids heal and avoid the losers as you begin dating again.