The No Drama Break Up


The No Drama Break Up
Breaking up doesn't have to be devastating, depressing or hateful when you remember the love.

When you understand that everyone is doing the very best they can to get the things you want, then there is no need for a drama-filled break up. Why do people break up? Sometimes it’s because of a revelation and sometimes it’s slow building.

When it happens because of an acute revelation, one person has discovered something about the other that cannot be tolerated. When this happens, there is often disappointment, anger and drama. The drama occurs because one person is attempting to “get” the other person to go back to the way they were. "Stop being this way! Wake up! Don’t hurt me like this! How dare you? You promised you’d never do this! I need you!" This can be the drama that results from an acute revelation.


When it is a slower realization over time, it is usually the case of getting to the point where the pain of staying the same exceeds the person’s fear of change. Over time it has become too painful to stay in the relationship. Two people grow apart. One was waiting for the other to change and over time, realized it just wasn’t going to happen.

When a relationship ends, it is common for each partner to attempt to vilanize the other. Each will talk to their confidantes to try to find support for their position. And because there really is no bad guy, each will find the support they need to justify their position. People who care about you will almost always support your perceptions.

Why do I say perception? Because there really always is two sides to every story. There will be the way you see things and there will be the way your partner views things and these views will be widely discrepant. Discrepant does not mean one of you is wrong and the other is right. It simply means you are each seeing the situation from your own unique vantage point and see things differently.

If you can accept that premise, then it is not far to go to understand you don’t have to have to make your partner “wrong” in order to move forward. In fact, just the opposite is true . . . you need to make your partner “right from where he or she comes from” in order to move forward. When you hold onto the perception that your partner is the bad guy, then you lock yourself in pain and unhappiness. Have you ever heard the expression, refusing to grant forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die? You are killing yourself by holding onto negative emotions and polluting the rest of the world, especially those close to you, with this negative energy. And you are locking yourself to this person you are angry with by staying focused on how they did you wrong. This will forever hold your emotional well-being in the hands of someone with whom you are angry.

Next: Why there is no bad guy in a breakup...

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Kim Olver


Kim Olver, LCPC, has been featured in Whole Living, Women's World, Fitness Magazine and Counseling Today and is the best-selling, award winning author of Secrets of Happy Couples: Loving Yourself, Your Partner, and Your Life.

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Location: Country Club Hills (Chicago), IL
Credentials: LCPC, MS, NCC
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Empowering Women
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