There is a Code That Leads Men Into Infidelity

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There is a Code That Leads Men Into Infidelity
“Men’s Code,” are attitudes men learn and adopt from an early age regarding women, sex and family.

There is a code that leads men into infidelity…a series of outlooks and perspectives that are impressed onto a man beginning at boyhood. These misconceptions are “Men’s Code,” attitudes that young boys learn and adopt from an early age regarding women and gender, sex and relationships, fidelity and family. “Men’s Code” is a playbook of behavioral caprice sans devoted emotional commitment that teaches men to accept that it is okay to disrespect women, to treat them only as physical objects, and to use any rationale that justifies having sexual/emotional relationships outside of the marriage. This “Men’s Code” information creates baggage that males often bring into their marriages then struggle tremendously in letting go of once they become mature enough to realize that the informational was all painfully wrong. In hindsight, many men don’t even understand where and how they began to have misconceptions about women.

I first learned about the Men's Code from my dad. To illustrate this point, here is an excerpt from my book, "The Virtuous Man - Breaking The Men's Code"

1. Detroit (Early Beginnings)

My story begins growing up in Detroit, Michigan. I was eight or nine years old and my mother and father had recently separated. Along with my two older brothers and sister, we lived with my mother in a small two bedroom upstairs level of a two-story home in a lower middle class neighborhood. For a short time after our parent’s separation, we did not have any contact with my father. Several months later this issue eased up somewhat and we were able to have visits with him.

I remember one of the first things my father did to reconnect with us was to get his three boys together for a meeting. I had no idea why we were going over to his house but once there, our father began to whisper to us. He quickly and quietly told us that he was going to talk about having sex with a woman. All three of us sat up attentively and listened as our dad tried to verbalize what that all meant. I don’t recall any specific instructions on the physical act and what it entailed. But I do remember that it simulated me to want to go out and find some girl to try it with. This was my earliest recollection of getting the “Men’s Code” and it came through my father.

As I reflect upon that encounter and the information I received, I’ve realized the following: (1) Sex was a physical activity (2) It was something that was discussed in secret (3) It did not address anything spiritual (4) No discussion or perspective on how to interact with females was given. As we grew older, I don’t recall my father ever addressing me or my brothers on how we should love a woman, what special qualities we should look for and what our behavior and attitudes should be toward women. I’m not blaming my father for how he communicated to us because that was most likely what he observed from the men in his life growing up. Like many other men, he passed down the “Men’s Code” from his generation to us.

Next: More reflections from childhood and youth...

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Kevin Toney

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Kevin Toney

The Virtuous Man Breaking: Breaking The Men's Code

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