Like ... NOW.
Sometimes, as much as you want to be in a relationship, it just won’t work out. And though it may be painful in the moment, there’s nothing wrong with that.
But before you get in a committed relationship or tie the knot, it might help to look over this list of 10 relationship deal breakers:
1. He's dealing with an unmanaged mental illness.
There is no reason, of course, why those with mental disorders can’t have meaningful, healthy relationships — and they do all the time! Maybe he suffers from PTSD, or bipolar disorder, or OCD, or something else. But having a disorder and managing it are two very different things. If you’re with someone who isn’t taking positive, outward steps to control the negative effects of a disorder, it could be quite a rough relationship for you.
2. He has no sense of GOOD hygiene.
If his personal hygiene is in the dumps (he doesn’t brush his teeth or take care of his breath — or maybe he goes days and days on end without taking even a quick shower), then this should be a red flag. Of course, this is something that he can change — but if he’s not willing to take care of this most basic task, it might be time to consider that there are plenty of hygienic guys out there that smell AMAZING.
3. He lacks a drive, motivation, or any ambitions.
Does he know where he’s going in life, or is he a “drifter”? You will probably feel a lot better about your relationship if you’re with someone who has an idea of where he’s going in life and what he wants to do.
4. He's has really low self esteem.
If he’s always feeling sorry for himself and can’t talk about much else, you’re with a guy who most likely has super-low self esteem. While there’s no shame in that — and there are ways to work through that — that’s a lot of baggage for you to carry in the relationship. Either get him to perk up fast or move on.
5. He expects you to comply with standard gender roles.
A guy who’s obsessive about social stereotypes and gender roles can make a relationship very unpleasant for you (he’ll probably try to control your behavior). It could also mean that he’s insecure in who he is as a person. Just make sure you know what you want and need before committing to this type of relationship!
6. He's a negative nancy.
Sure, it happens to the best of us; things don’t go the way we planned and we get upset and a little bleak. But someone who perpetually has a negative attitude about things — always focusing on his problems (big or small) and not focusing on solutions — can be a drain that really brings you down.
7. He's not passionate about anything.
He’s got hobbies, or he has a good job, or he occasionally reads books. But he’s not passionate about anything. There is nothing that lights his fire and makes him get up and say, “I’m going to do this no matter what!” Nothing lights up his eyes. A man without passion is going to make your relationship very boring really quickly.
8. He has strong feelings (good OR bad) about his ex.
Whether he has strongly positive feelings or strongly negative feelings for an ex — that’s a bad sign. It means he hasn’t completely moved on, so that’s more baggage on your plate.
9. He can’t empathize with you.
He doesn’t try to understand you on a deep level — he doesn’t try to “get” your perspective and your point of view. Instead, it’s all about him and he doesn’t empathize with you … ever. And that means he probably won’t apologize for anything he does (unless he’s using his apology as a form of manipulation). Do you really want that? Probably not.
10. He strongly disagrees with your opinion on whether or not you want kids.
Either he wants them and you don’t, or you want them and he doesn’t. Whichever it is, this relationship probably won’t work out since both of you want something completely different — and it’s something that’s REALLY important to you both. Assuming one of you will change your mind down the road is a big risk you probably should avoid.
If your guy has some or all of these, you should probably consider moving on. Just remember, there are plenty of guys (or girls) out there for you, so if you DO want a committed relationship, why not have it with a great guy instead of one that will bring you down?
Kelly P. Crossing is an experienced counselor and relationship expert who specializes in helping women build the lives and relationships they want. For a glimpse into your needs, take the free NeedsExplorer survey now. To learn more about Kelly and how she can help you, click here.