50 Things You Should Try For Hotter Sex
ProConnect

4 Ugly Truths About Being A Stay-At-Home Mom

By

Marriage Advice: The Truth About Being A Stay-At-Home-Mom
What happens when being a mom becomes way too overwhelming?
The 4 crucial conversations you need to have with your spouse before you make this decision.

When I decided to be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM), my mother, ever pragmatic and financially prudent, sat me down, very concerned, and said, "Can you put some money away? Just for you? If something goes wrong, what will you have?" I blew her off. Nothing was going to go wrong, and since our money was our money, squirreling some away was basically stealing it. Besides, my marriage was totally solid and this is what I'd always wanted. Always.

Three years later I was getting divorced, and as my wise mother had predicted, I had nothing of my own. Let me be clear—I gained a lot by being a SAHM. My son gained a lot and that is most important. In the end, we do it for our children and I deeply respect the choice.  Were I given the choice again, I may not do it differently.

More from YourTango: Take Control Of Your Feelings

However, many of us, most of us I think, go into this somewhat blindly or at least idealistically. There is a level of dependence on another that has some romantic undertones, but which is far deeper than we can see up front. There are some real-life ramifications, financial and emotional, that should be addressed before going into it.

Use this as a guide and talk it through with your spouse. Perhaps some 20/20 hindsight from someone who has been there can shed some light on a partnership usually entered into in utter darkness.

Here are four ugly truths about being a SAHM:

1. The Relationship With Your Husband Will Likely Suffer
When you got married, you were likely a woman with a career and goals and...a life. You and your husband talked about politics, philosophy, work, whatever it was that made you guys click — that thing that had you both say, "I can talk to him/her forever, about anything!"

When you become a SAHM you give that all up to become a mom. When your husband comes home from work, you are likely desperate for grown-up interaction and conversation yet what you're contributing is likely to revolve around poop, feeding and nap schedules and cute things your child did that day, all of which are important to share with your spouse.

But eventually he may wonder what happened to his bright, vibrant, intelligent wife who used to turn him on by spewing statistics about the annual revenues of the company she was VP of, or, well, just about anything other than babies. You may wonder the exact same thing about yourself. Your husband may start to look at you like you're an alien and really crave some conversation that's not baby-centric  and so will you, but you'll be at a loss as to how to produce it. 

Worse, your husband may begin to find that intellectual connection and stimulation somewhere else. While you're home raising this amazing being you created together and will bond you and your husband for life, you've begun to lose all the things you had in common to begin with. So what can you do to offset this?

Do anything. Keep up with the things you and your husband used to love to do and talk about together. Sit down together and make lists of the things that inspire you about each other and make a conscious, designed effort to keep yourself up to speed on the things that intellectually and emotionally inspire each other.

It has been said many times that marriages that work are ones that have an interest in something bigger than the marriage. For example, couples who share a deep faith, or who do spiritual work together, or volunteer for an organization together, are more likely to have successful marriages because the success of their marriage isn't solely dependent on the other person fulfilling their emotional needs. So talk with your spouse about what that could be for you and make a commitment to that thing together.

2. You Will Wake Up One Morning Wondering Who The Hell You Are
I remember the moment when I sat on my couch while my two-and-a-half-year-old son was napping and said out loud, "Now I know why they drink and pop pills." The mind-numbing boredom of it all was suffocating the life out of me. I was not born to do this, as I had always imagined. I didn't want to bake cookies and make my own baby food and create elaborate recipes for dinner for two after all.

Frankly I didn't give a f*ck. I had fantasies of getting in the car and just driving away into the sunset. I had given up everything that I was and had in order to do the greatest job in the world and the truth was that I hated it. Hated it! I had no idea who I was anymore, not that I'd had such a keen sense of it in the first place, but now I was really lost.

This had nothing to do with my deep and desperate love for my son, just the deep and desperate loathing of being an empty shell of a human. And suddenly I got it. That episode of Desperate Housewives where one of the moms started popping pills on the soccer field? Totally got it. I had become a desperate housewife.

There are many women who feel a deep sense of fulfillment in the role of a stay-at-home-mom, homemaker and housewife and more power to them. I only wish I had felt that.

Here are some things that can help if you find you're losing your mind:

More from YourTango: Why I'm Giving Up My Amicable Divorce, Part 2

  • Join a gym with a good daycare and take classes with all the other moms. It's a great community to be a part of and exercise will boost your endorphins, which in turn will produce more serotonin (happy hormone!) in your brain. It's a win-win. Community, exercise, happiness! Lather, rinse, and repeat every day. You'll look and feel great!
  • Keep up with projects that feed your soul. Whether they're solo hobbies you can do while the kids nap or a regular girl's night out—do it, even if you think you're too tired. I have a dear friend who has a severely autistic son who is usually awake for the day by around 1 or 2 a.m. But every week we meet for wine and trivia, come hell or high water, because, while she's more sleep-deprived than anyone I know, she'd go insane if she didn't take at least some time out for herself.

Keep Reading...

More marriage advice on YourTango:

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Kate Anthony

YourTango Expert Partner

Helping You Rock Single Motherhood

www.kateanthony.com

 

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Credentials: ACC, CPCC, Other
Specialties: Dating/Being Single Support, Divorce Rehabilitation, Empowering Women
Other Articles/News by Kate Anthony:

Take Control Of Your Feelings

By

"Don't feel bad" "Feelings aren't facts" "You're better off without that lying cheating a**hole" "There are plenty of fish in the sea" "He’s in a better place" "Go to your room and come out when you're ready to talk" Do you recognize any of these ... Read more

Why I'm Giving Up My Amicable Divorce, Part 2

By

In December I wrote an article for YourTango that I entitled “Why I’m Finally Divorcing My Ex-Husband – 5 Years Later”. The Huffington Post picked it up, changing the title to "Why I'm Giving Up My 'Amicable' Divorce", and it was read by far more people than I ever expected. Including my ex-husband. Anne ... Read more

Why Men Should (Always) Pay For Dinner: 3 Truths To Consider

By

The topic of who should pay for dinner on a date has long been debated and many have answered the question: He asked you on the date, so he should plan it and pay for it. It's the chivalrous thing to do. Men are the providers and as women we want to feel taken care of. In my estimation, all of these answers are true and legitimate, ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
paltrow-martin

Are Open Relationships A Way To Divorce-Proof Your Marriage?

A new study says we're more open to consensual nonmonogamy now than ever before — but do they work?

Brain

TODAY Is The "Grand Cross" - What It Means...

Today is a big deal in Western astrology – there is a perfect “Grand Cross” ...

Life Coach: The Questions You Should Ask Before You Commit

8 Questions You Must Ask Yourself Before You Commit To A Partner

Before you make the big choice of a partner, take time to ask some very important questions.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS