You, Him, and the Not-Quite-Ex-Wife


You, Him, and the Not-Quite-Ex-Wife
Dating a man who is not quite divorced? You could be in for a challenging time.

When it comes to seriously dating a nearly divorced man, there is usually a third person in your relationship – his not-quite-ex-wife.

It feels like he’s the one for you, but the strong emotions he feels for his wife are a challenge. You have been loving, generous, and available. She was a bitch.  And yet he seems to be grieving the loss of her!



How can you combat your feelings of insecurity and work through this challenging time?

If you’re involved with someone who’s going through a divorce (or will be), you need to be ready for the roller coaster ride. It takes having a strong sense of yourself and your worth, and having a very effective support system in place. A sense of humor really helps. And being able to be empathetic and compassionate toward both of you is key.

That’s a pretty tall order, isn’t it?

It basically describes what we’re all striving to be in our lives, and that’s WITHOUT the added trigger of your man being a nut as he goes through his divorce, and the anxiety you feel about whether or not this will all work out in your favor!

'Til Death Do Us Part

Although I’m sure there are exceptions to this, most people marry intending to honor their commitment of a lifetime union. And they make these commitments to each other because they love each other and believe that entrusting their future happiness to their mate is a safe bet.

Fast forward a few years, and in at least 50% of those marriages, one or both partners will bail on that commitment.

Even those people who are completely clear, and convinced they’re doing the right thing in ending the marriage, can hit a very painful phase, particularly as the reality of the divorce hits them.

They can feel things like regret, fear, guilt (magnified 1,000 times if there are kids involved), a sense of failure, sadness, anger, jealousy over a new lover in their mate’s life, and more.

Not For the Faint of Heart

Dating a man while he goes through a divorce isn’t something just anyone can do.

It’s one of the reasons that for years now, my advice to my clients has been this:

Don’t date a man unless he’s been legally divorced a year, and until he’s already had (at least) one transitional relationship.

Sure, there are successful relationships out there that started off with one partner legally still in a marriage, but the odds are agains that outcome.

I’m not saying this situation can’t work. It’s just that you’ve got your work cut out for you.

And, an important piece here, my advice here is based on the assumption that you’ve done your work to know that this man fits your requirements and your vision. (If you feel you may need assistance with these, please email me:

Having said that, have you got what it takes to pull off this part of your journey with your man?

What it Takes

Here are some things you may want to remind yourself of, as you deal with this phase of your relationship:

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
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