The first time the possibility was raised that I may have been dealing with a self-esteem
issue, I dismissed it. Hey, I had my own successful business, I dated a lot, I owned a
condo, had a new car, I was attractive, I worked out…how could all that point to a self-
As it turned out, I not only struggled with my self-esteem back then, I couldn’t admit that
it was a problem.
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It was important to me to get it handled, because I knew in my heart that if things stayed
on course the way they were going, I would end up divorced – again. Unacceptable!
So how does this (unfortunately) pervasive issue for women interfere with having a great relationship with a man?
- You end up with men who are not able to give you what you really want; they’ll be unavailable in some way, whether not completely done with an ex, they’re married to their work, they are emotionally damaged in some way, or they live too far away.
- It can be challenging to simply receive love and acceptance from a man, without being in “produce mode” – I call it the “Me plus what I give or do equals good enough to earn love” syndrome.
- The fear of being rejected can bring out the absolute worst behaviors – which often lead to being rejected; controlling men or circumstances, being unable to be vulnerable and open with them, rejecting them first, or, as I call it, the “You can’t fire me – I quit” syndrome.
In order for the situation to improve, there are two areas that need focus:
1) A decision needs to be made that you love and accept yourself as you are, and
2) Any behaviors and habits that are not in alignment with that decision have to be
It may sound too simple, but the fact is that you can make up your mind that you are
worthy of love and acceptance, just as you are. It won’t “feel” like the truth, but it is.
Whatever you tell yourself most often is what your mind adopts as true.
This is where the “rubber meets the road”; you can’t try to plant a new belief that you are worthy of love and acceptance while behaving in ways that are contrary to that. You’ve got to have integrity between what you say, what you think, and what you do in order to move forward, toward feeling good about yourself.
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None of us gets where we want to in life alone, right?
Here are some ways you can set up an effective structure of support: