On the surface Valentine's Day seems like a fairly straightforward holiday—chocolate, flowers, a card, and you're set. Perfect for a couple in love, but what if you're single, nursing a broken heart, or enjoying some time on your own? In those situations, Valentine's Day can trigger emotions of loneliness and sadness in the most independent of us all. It's as if we are the only single person in a world full of passionate lovers. Yet anyone who has ever been in a romantic relationship can attest that love is not always romantic, easy, or passionate.
Our society teaches us that love occurs between two people and that romantic love trumps all, but most of us realize that romantic love doesn't actually save us and isn't always our priority. When I work with women in my Attract Your Soul Mate Now sessions we explore old programing that can be getting in the way of creating the realtionship of your dreams. How can we keep the energy of love flowing even when we are on our own? By learning to shine that love on ourselves. The idea of taking care of ourselves or putting our needs first is often seen as selfish but this idea couldn't be further from the truth.
As a Dating Coach I help woman expand their own self worth so that they feel good about themselves whether they are in a romantic relationship or not. As a woman you need to love and honor yourself first in order to attract a partner who will love and honor you. If you aren't accustomed to taking good care of yourself you start to feel "love deprived."
I often see women in my practice who are feeling love deprived. These women tend to fall for men who give them some attention but not the attention they deserve. Sound familiar? You may develop an intense crush on that guy at work who is fun and charming but has a girlfriend. You may experience a running fantasy loop in your head about your last boyfriend who seemed so perfect for you. Imagining a fantasy relationship is very common for the love deprived. It allows you to see your self as lovable and valuable but a love that is always out of reach is frustrating and over time can confirm your fear that you won't actually be loved by a real person.
If you only feel lovable when there is a lover in your life, what happens the rest of the time? Are you unlovable? Do you become lovable the moment someone is attracted to you or once they fall in love with you? The truth is each of us is lovable regardless of whether or not someone is around to reflect love back to us. Our lovability is endless and eternal. To think that it only occurs when we have a lover is to put the responsibility for how we feel about ourselves into the hands of others. How we feel about our self is first and foremost our own responsibility.
The longest, deepest, and most meaningful relationship you will ever have is the one with your self. Maybe it's time to stop spending the least amount of time on your most important relationship. If you are starting to dread the idea of Valentine's Day, then there are three things you absolutely must do for yourself this February 14 to remind yourself of how lovable you already are.
First, buy yourself a gift that symbolizes love. Some women love the freedom that comes with buying jewelry for themself, others indulge in their favorite chocolate. My client Sarah likes to buy beautiful things for her home because having a beautiful home makes her very happy. I like to buy flowering plants that I can plant in my garden in the spring. All of these things can remind you that you are never alone because you have a best friend and cheerleader inside of you.
Next, write yourself a love letter. Write to yourself as if you were writing to your best friend. Talk about the amazing qualities you posses, the ways in which you give to others and make the work a better place. Write about your inner and outer beauty. Really go for it and when you are done sign the letter, place it in an envelope, and mail it to yourself. Take it out to read on days when you need to be reminded of how amazing you are.
Finally, make a plan for what you are going to do to deepen your relationship with yourself this year. Perhaps you want to start a journal or finally make time to enjoy monthly massages. Are there things you've put on hold because you want to share that with your beloved? Guess what? You are your first beloved so stop holding yourself back. Figure out what the inner experience is that you want to have first then identify what actions will give you that feeling. Take that trip to Florence, buy your own house, even have a child if that is what your soul is calling you to experience.
You show the ultimate love for yourself by creating the life of your dreams. When you start to live for yourself in this way and stop putting your life on hold, something amazing starts to happen. You start to feel happy and lovable which is how you started out this human journey. You are more in the flow of life and you will start to attract really amazing people and experiences. As the Universe sees your courage, your joy, and your willingness to embrace your life now I promise it will bring you even more love.
Kanya is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a Private Practice in Paoli, Pennsylvania. She specializes in helping single women create amazing relationships with amazing men! Kanya also helps couples create deeper more loving realtionships.
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