4 Ways To Become A Better Listener


4 Ways To Become A Better Listener
Why giving advice does not make your partner feel supported or understood

Whether you’re on a first date, or you’ve been married for a decade, what people want first and foremost in a relationship is to feel understood, validated, and supported. This can be tricky, especially when you are used to giving advice, seeing things differently, or what you hear “pushes your buttons.” Becoming a better listener is easier said than done, and in my counseling practice I typically spend a lot of time teaching couples this very skill. But even a few good habits can make a big difference, as long as you look for opportunities to practice them regularly.

Show your partner that you care
It can be challenging to care about your partner’s experience when they haven’t asked you about yours in a while, but as you probably know, a stalemate gets you both nowhere. Ask your spouse how the meeting went. Ask things like: "What was the most important part?," "Did you expect that?," "How do you feel about that?," and "What does that mean to you?.”

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Show your partner that you get it
It can be extremely difficult to have empathy for your partner’s position when you disagree. This is normal, you are two different people! The art is to be able to hold on to your own reality while listening to the other’s. In order to deal with that, you may have to quietly remind yourself that their perspective is their perspective, and you don’t need to take things too personally. Tell your partner that you can see how they feel the way they do. Tell them you would be stressed out, too. Acknowledge it when your spouse sounds relieved or worried, anxious or angry. When you don’t understand their position, ask to tell you more and pick your partner’s brain until you start to see their point.

Show your partner that you’re on their side
Showing your partner that you’re on their side when they are at odds with another party may seem obvious, but it is often not expressed directly. As an outside observer it may be easy for you to see your partner’s part in a conflict, or you may even find yourself identifying with the other party. While there may be a time to help your partner review his modes of interacting with others, when you are trying to practice your listening skills is not the time! Whenever you can with integrity, take your partner’s side as a true friend would, and don’t be "helpful" by providing "the other person’s perspective." You may say, "That guy is such a jerk!," or "You must be furious!," or tell your spouse you are proud of them.

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Julia Flood


In my San Francisco practice I help couples in crisis break out of the vicious cycle of hurting and getting hurt. Call me at (415) 820-3210 or email me at

Location: San Francisco, CA
Credentials: LCSW
Specialties: Couples/Marital Issues
Other Articles/News by Julia Flood:

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