What To Consider Before Having Kids

By

What To Consider Before Having Kids
Are you ready to have a child? Read this article for some tips on what to think about as you decide

This guest article from Psych Central was written by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

Having a baby is a big decision that requires couples to do some serious self-reflecting and communicating. But some couples don’t exactly contemplate parenthood — or they have the wrong idea about having kids.

Some mistakenly assume that having a child will fix their relationship problems and bring them closer, said Joyce Marter, LCPC, psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, which offers a Pre & Post Baby Couples Counseling Program. Unfortunately, this usually backfires, because the new stressors that come with having a baby just amplify existing issues, she said.

Other couples decide to have kids because they think it’s simply the next step after matrimony. “Many couples do not give themselves permission to thoughtfully explore whether or not having children is right for them because of fears of being different, disappointing others or missing out on life experiences that couples with children experience,” Marter said.

So how do you know if you’re making the right choice? There are many key considerations. But the most important one is that both partners want to have a child. “In heterosexual couples, it is critical that, specifically, the potential father, independently desires to — and feels ready to — transition to parenthood,” according to Nicole Massey-Hastings, MA, a Doctor of Clinical Psychology candidate with a concentration in families, couples and kids. One longitudinal study revealed that 100 percent of couples with a husband who didn’t want to become a parent were divorced by the time their kids were 6 years old (Cowan & Cowan, 2000).

Relationship satisfaction also is critical. In fact, research has found that marital quality is one of the best predictors of parenting quality (e.g., Kanoy, Ulku-Steiner, Cox & Burchinal, 2003; Fishman & Myers, 2000). “A couple needs to have a healthy, satisfying relationship with a clear understanding of, and strategies for working with, the pitfalls in their relationship,” said Mudita Rastogi, Ph.D, a licensed marriage and family therapist and professor at the Illinois School of Professional Psychology. Rastogi and Massey-Hastings are currently studying a new program, Choosing the Parenting Lifestyle, that helps couples realistically identify their motivations to have kids and better understand the personal, emotional, relational and financial costs.

Questions to Consider Prior to Parenthood

The questions below can help you figure out whether having kids right now is the right choice for you.

Why would you like to have a child? All the experts stressed the significance of both partners figuring out their motivation to have kids. Are you internally or externally motivated? “A motivation is internal if it has to do with your own personal desires and wishes. It is external if it has to do with pleasing others — your parents or your partner — or if it is to meet societal expectations,” Marter said.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

John M. Grohol

Psychologist

Dr. John Grohol is a mental health expert and founder of Psych Central. He has been writing about online behavior, mental health and psychology issues, and the intersection of technology and psychology since 1992.

Location: Newburyport, MA
Credentials: PsyD
Website: PsychCentral
Other Articles/News by John M. Grohol:

Why Can't Your Partner Talk About Feelings?

By

Emotions give us important information that we can use to better understand our needs, priorities and limits. We can use emotions to set boundaries and make decisions. “If you’re not authentically experiencing, expressing, and learning from your emotions, then that erodes trust, security, intimacy and closeness,” said Jared DeFife, Ph.D, a ... Read more

Jealousy Ruining Your Life? Fix It By Figuring Out The Real Cause

By

Jealousy can be a problem in any type of relationship and can appear in anyone’s life at any time. You can have jealousy with other people's things, their success, their beauty, their athletic prowess, their relationship, their kids, their education, their money, and their life. It can be a tiny feeling in your gut or it can be an overwhelming ... Read more

Be Happy — It's Not Just For Your Sake

By

In case you hadn't noticed, there's been a wealth of information recently in the form of books, TV shows, CDs, DVDs, magazine articles, and even movies on a subject that is near and dear to everyone's heart. The subject is happiness. I'm not sure why it is that there seems to be more interest in happiness these days than there has been in the ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Most Popular