You've got this, girl.
We've all experienced the pain that comes with a breakup. Whether we ourselves have initiated the breakup or if were the ones broken up with, we still go through emotional waves of sadness, fear, anger, guilt and more.
It's tough to cope. Some moments you may feel perfectly fine, but then something triggers a memory and you find yourself trying to fight back the tears. Or just when you think you're completely over it, you cross paths with them, and all those thoughts and feelings come storming back again.
With your emotions all over the place, it can be a very confusing and difficult time. But here's the good news: It doesn't have to be. Here are some general guidelines for you to heal form a breakup gracefully and mindfully, without all that extra stress and confusion we so often create for ourselves.
1. Refrain from contacting your ex for at LEAST 90 days.
Yes, I'm sticking with the rule given by Greg Behrendt, the author of the book-gone-movie He's Just Not That Into You. Though in some cases I feel it can really depend on the state you're in post-breakup, the best rule of thumb you can make for yourself is to simply not contact him for about three months.
During these first 90 days, you're likely experiencing a wide range of emotions. Because of this, you're not necessarily going to hear that little voice of your intuition telling you, "This isn't the one, there's something better on the way." So do yourself the favor and set that rule for yourself.
2. Trust, know and believe that you will find better.
One of the habits we all go into right after a breakup is thinking about all the great things about this person. We then try to convince ourselves that we will never find that again. Let's have a quick reality-check: though you may not find someone just like your ex again, you WILL find someone better.
Allow me to ask you a question: have you ever dated someone who was actually worse than the ones you dated before them? For instance, was a more recent ex at a lower level in development than a previous ex? Of course not, because you yourself are growing as an individual.
Through that growth you're going to attract and find people in your life who resonate with that level of growth you're at. For as long as you're still focused on your own personal growth, the relationships can never get worse, only better.
3. Focus on what your partner was lacking rather than what you miss about them.
Answer the question: What would my ideal partner be like? What would my ideal relationship be like? Use this recently ended relationship as a guide to know exactly what you want and what you don't want. Focus all your energy on improvement so the next time you meet a potential partner, you'll know if they really fit into your ideal relationship vision or not. Use the failed relationships to create some solid standards for yourself.
4. Love yourself the way your partner didn't or couldn't.
Breakups are difficult, and when we're sad and trying to heal, we find it hard to take care of ourselves. Focus on the little good things about your day: the sunshine, the flowers, or the crisp morning air. Every day, make sure you focus on the beauty and miracle that is life.
Do things for yourself: go shopping for some new clothes, take a nice bubble bath, spend a day at the beach, have a day at the spa, read one of your favorite books, dance while you're cleaning, sing in the shower, or find some crafts to create. If you feel lonely, reach out to some friends or family members for company. Create some "date nights" with your friends to make up for the dates that are now missing.
5. Let out your bottled-up emotions.
Cry. Just cry and don't be afraid to let it out, even if it happens to be on the subway or at Starbucks. That's what sunglasses are for if you really don't want people to see the mascara running down your face and start wondering what's up with you. It's OK to cry. It's not wimpy or inappropriate; it's genuine and shows strength. So be honest with yourself and the world, and let the tears come out.
6. Remember that it's completely OK if you don't feel sad.
One of the funny things about breakups is that sometimes even though we're sad, we feel guilty for not being sadder. It's OK to not be deeply depressed about a breakup for months. Trust your intuition and start building that vision of your ideal relationship.
This article was originally published at Jennifer Twardowski. Reprinted with permission from the author.