Here's how to REALLY make things better.
Even the best marriages hiccup from time to time, leaving couples feeling separate from each other.
If your marriage has been struggling for years and both partners are unhappy, what do you do?
You worry that if you try to talk to your partner about what they aren’t doing, things may only get worse, not better. You worry that if you tell your partner how you’re feeling about what they aren’t doing, your relationship will weaken, not improve.
Sometimes relationship do falter when one person speaks up, because most people don't like being told what to do.
Feeling chastised or directed immediately raises defenses. And when defenses are high, things have a tendency to escalate into disagreements — and into more unhappiness. Sometimes things only ever seem to get worse, which leads to finger-pointing and blaming, followed by significantly upset emotions all around.
Have you ever been there? I know I have.
It’s not unusual to feel more bitter and resentful after going through both partners’ version of events, issue by issue.
With over 2 million annual divorces in the U.S. despite the 50,000+ (and growing!) population of couple’s counselors, I believed there had to be a better way of problem solving, so I came up with one.
To truly resolve your marriage conflicts, you must spend your energy and effort only on improving the feelings of connection between you and your partner.
It’s worked for me, and for the hundreds of couples I’ve helped.
For this to happen, you have to be willing to do two things:
1. You must be willing to learn what to do — and also what not to do.
The only focus should be on increasing the feelings of connection between you.
2. You must be willing to do only what works — and let go of everything else.
Even if you don’t trust your partner and you feel bitter and angry, you MUST let it go. And yes, this is true even if you believe all the conflicts are their fault.
Imagine trying to talk to and solve problems with someone you feel no connection to. That’s not likely to be very productive, is it?
When people do feel deeply connected, it’s much easier improve things between you, and it happens much more quickly. That’s why the connection is the most important thing to restore. Everything else can wait.
People remain stuck in unhappy marriages when they aren't willing to learn what will work and they aren't willing to do what they know will work.
For many people, this can be a hard truth to swallow.
To begin make better choices today, read The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle. It’s full of immediately helpful ideas that will work to quickly to increase connection. And talk with me. I will give you my perspective on exactly what’s needed to recover your happiness. The conversation is free. Click here to sign up.