If at first you don't succeed with an ex... don't try again.
His number is still in your phone despite your many attempts to delete it. It's been a particularly hard day and you're lonely. All the guys you've been meeting are boring. You want to know how to get your ex-boyfriend back with you.
Before you throw all the hard work of getting over him (it can probably take up to two years, so read A Life Of Love while you're at it) out the window and call him, consider these 3 reasons not to want your ex back:
1. You've changed.
One of the challenges of changing is that you can no longer overlook bad behavior; it's too blatantly obvious. There are reasons we break up and stop seeing people. The problem is, once a man leaves you, he realizes that you can change and hopefully, you also realize that he can too.
This makes it that much easier to leave again. As a man who has broken up with women only to ask them (or shall I say begged them?) to take me back with all sincerity in the moment...
I will tell you that yes, I liked that you had changed, that you loved yourself more and weren't willing to put up with my inconsistent and selfish behavior. I truly thought things would be different because you've changed.
But here was one small problem.
2. He hasn't.
Just because a man suddenly finds out that the grass isn't any greener, doesn't mean he's changed.
I've had women take me back, bless them. However, I'm not with them today. After the initial euphoria from the anxiety of wanting her back wore off, I was left with the same person and with the same problems I had before I left: me.
Are there happy accidents? Yes, even an elephant can draw a picture once. Do men change? Certainly but rarely in a few weeks of discomfort. The problem hasn't gone away; it's still there under the dramatic surface and will show up again.
It's fun to win the battle, but it hurts to lose the war, especially if you're headed for reason number three.
3. You want to be married.
In the beginning of your dating life, you can waste time trying to fix things that are broken because it's dramatic and you think your ex-boyfriend will change because you've had so many good times together. They're called rose colored glasses.
Even a broken clock is right two times a day. If you want to be married the standards are different. You start looking for things other than drama. For example, can he keep his agreements or is he only focused on how he feels in the moment?
Start with someone who wants to build with you and has momentum. This is usually the next guy the one who appreciates who you are now and is ready for you.
Stopping and starting rarely works because men who leave over small things rarely have the maturity to stay for the big ones. Read A Life Of Love and let me know how it goes.
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This article was originally published at http://www.jamesallenhanrahan.com/. Reprinted with permission from the author.