The Abuse Cycle — How Narcissists Hook & Confuse You

Have you ever dated (or married) someone who was sometimes nice and sometimes mean? Sometimes kind and sometimes cruel? Sometimes flattering and sometimes subtly or outwardly critical? Or have you noticed a friend of yours seems to keep getting involved in these types of relationships?

This behavior is the hallmark of the psychological abuse cycle.

Abusers aren't always cruel. That would be too obvious. They are sure to hook you in with small acts of kindness.

The abuser likely has a Cluster B Personality Disorder. This is not something you can fix. It’s not a mental illness. It’s their personality, their way of being in the world, who they have chosen to become. Their form of emotional manipulation serves to get them what they want from people and this is how they’ve learned to survive.

The relationship with a Cluster B personality generally starts with their flattery and “love-bombing.” This is called the idealization phase. You meet them and they’re quickly texting or calling, maybe all day long, or perhaps they’re contacting you frequently via social media. Maybe they skip that part all together and dive straight into the sex. In that case, they’ll be contacting you only to have sex and then they'll leave or kick you out, meanwhile hooking you into the confusion between sex and true intimacy. The point of this initial stage is to create a chemical dependency on the abuser. At some level, they’re aware that a biochemical flooding reaction is taking place in your brain and nervous system causing you to bond and trust them, distracting you from what’s really in front of you.

At some point, likely as soon as you’re in love or otherwise dependent upon them, they wake up one day and the cycle suddenly flips into criticism, meanness, and cruelty. That’s called the devaluation phase. Now they’re putting you down for the very things they were flattering before. They’re criticizing everything you do, say, and think. They’re dismissive of your needs, feelings and perceptions of reality but they expect you to fulfill theirs. By that point, you’re experiencing your relationship like a roller coaster ride. One day you’re up, one day you’re down, and sometimes you’re up and down multiple times in one day or one conversation. You’re longing for the earlier phase when the person was kinder and more attentive to your needs. You’re hoping and holding on for those moments of kindness they keep giving you now and then.

Essentially, you’re waiting and hoping for crumbs of love.

If you’re in it, you know exactly what that ride is like. This up and down, idealization and devaluation, flip-flopping is why you second-guess and self-doubt. This is why you are confused. This is why sometimes you may rationalize that maybe just maybe that person isn't really abusive and maybe it's all in your head.

The abuse was set up this way. When you see this pattern in people, run. Cut your losses, no matter how much time and energy you’ve already invested, and get as far away from them as possible.

There is no amount of your love that can heal them. If you keep giving more, they’re not going to suddenly realize the reciprocity is totally off balance. They’re going to keep taking. Their words might be saying one thing, but look at their actions. That says so much more.

I get a lot of messages from narcissistic abuse survivors talking about the confusion. They say sometimes this person is really wonderful and nice. Then sometimes the person is awful and cruel. It goes back and forth. They’re often rationalizing things like... well they did this hurtful thing but I know they can be really adoring sometimes…. or… if we could just go back to the beginning when the person was interested, kind and attentive.

I’m sorry to burst your bubble with a truth bomb, but here it is — this is what’s happening inside your mind when you’re justifying the abuse, when you’re rationalizing why it’s okay and you’re pushing aside the hurtful parts of that person. In reality that person is showing you that you don’t matter, that they don’t care about you.

You can’t separate one part from the whole. People aren’t just one part of who they are. They are a whole being. The abusive part is part of who they are. It’s a cycle, two sides of the same coin, one wild, endless rollercoaster ride. It only stops when you stop enabling it with your rationalizations or accepting their excuses. Sticking around because of what you see sometimes isn’t worth sticking around because it’s a whole picture. It’s both and it will drive you to the edge of your sanity.

The Abuse Cycle — How Narcissists Hook & Confuse You

If you want to get unhooked from an abusive person, you’ll need to accept this important truth.

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