10 Ways To Deal With The Sting Of Jealousy After Discovering Your Partner's Affair
It's normal to feel upset and jealous.
Joel Valve via unsplash When the heartbreak of discovering your cheating spouse's affair and infidelity leads to jealous feelings, how do you cope?
Whether it was a single episode or an ongoing affair, there are many difficulties to iron out if you’re going to reconcile with your partner and stay in the relationship.
If you’ve recently been cheated on, you're probably already aware that the recurring or constant jealousy is one of the most painful problems as well as being one of the hardest to overcome.
On the other hand, if the relationship is going to succeed, you need to learn how to deal with jealousy.
But, before you learn how to deal with jealousy, here are a few things you need to know right up front:
- Infidelity is the most intimate form of betrayal, so intense feelings of jealousy are perfectly natural.
- Relationships recover from infidelity every day. Yours can too if both partners put in the work.
- Compassion is one of the keys to overcoming this perfectly natural jealousy, towards both yourself and your cheating spouse.
- Mutual understanding is crucial to developing this compassion. You have to talk about the infidelity, not avoid the subject.
- There is a huge difference between accountability and blame. Blame is always counterproductive.
Believe it or not, dealing with your jealousy begins with you. It may seem strange, but it’s still the bottom line truth.
Yes, your partner has betrayed you, but coping with jealousy is partly an inside job. This is especially true if you’ve historically been a jealous or possessive person.
Besides, the benefits you gain from working on yourself won’t depend on your partner’s actions — it will help no matter how the relationship turns out.
If the pain of infidelity has knocked you for a loop and stirred feelings of jealousy inside you, here are 10 ways to deal and cope.
1. Get proper amounts of nutrition, exercise, and sleep. In other words, practice good self-care no matter what.
2. Seek and participate in individual counseling. This will speed up your recovery and prevent long-term bitterness.
3. Put more emphasis on family, friends, and personal interests.
4. Communicate your feelings and needs to your partner.
5. Listen closely when your partner communicates their needs to you.
6. Be patient with yourself and your partner.
7. Seek the support you need, but don’t involve your friends and family in every little dispute.
8. Avoid self-blame, but be accountable for mistakes you may have made during the relationship.
9. Rekindle any important relationships you might have been neglecting.
10. Seek opportunities to help others. This will get you out of your head and is like a flank attack on your jealousy.
This does not mean that you’re to blame for your partner’s infidelity or the ugly jealousy that comes with it.
It’s simply an essential human truth that everyone must take responsibility for their emotions and overall well-being. This is the best way to ensure recovery from jealousy regardless of the circumstances of your partner’s cheating behavior.
But, the one thing you need to realize is that you can't do it alone — it takes two to overcome jealousy after an affair in your relationship.
This is stating the obvious, right? Every part of a relationship has to be a two-way street, especially the hardships that are involved in the aftermath of an affair.
The first thing you’ll need to do in this regard is to find out just how willing your cheating spouse is to do the hard work that’s necessary for reconciliation.
The two of you will need to sit down and have a long conversation about what you need your unfaithful partner to do in order to help you cope with your jealousy.
Of course, this conversation will be nothing more than words and promises at best, but it’s an absolutely necessary part of recovering from jealousy.
If your unfaithful partner isn’t at least willing to have this conversation and express what they’re willing to do, then there’s little chance of recovery.
Here are some of the most important questions to ask about your partner’s willingness:
- Are they willing to cease contact with the other person immediately?
- Are they willing to practice the transparency you need to be comfortable going forward?
- Will they respect the boundaries you need them to have with opposite-sex friends?
- Are they willing to accept responsibility for their actions and discuss future problems openly with you?
- Are they willing to participate in individual and couples counseling?
If the answer to these questions is "yes", then you’re off to a good start at least. But, as you know, actions speak louder than words and their behavior will tell the real tale.
Be patient but vigilant as you observe their actions and you’ll maximize your chances to make the right decisions going forward.
We understand how you must feel after such an intimate act of betrayal. Infidelity and the jealousy it entails are very difficult things to deal with, but there is some good news to report as well.
The good news is that you can learn how to stop being jealous and overcome those feelings no matter what happens outside of you.
If your partner is unwilling to work with you, then it might be time to reconsider the future of the relationship. But, there might be some residual jealousy even if you split up and these methods will help you deal with that situation as well.
On the other hand, if you and your partner are willing to work at it, then your relationship can be repaired.
In fact, many relationships improve after working through infidelity. In other words, there’s ample reason for optimism whether the relationship succeeds or not.
C. Mellie Smith provides tools and resources at her blog, Infidelity Healing, to help couples heal themselves and their marriage after the trauma of infidelity. Click here to get off the emotional rollercoaster and start your healing journey.