Recently, I wrote about the blessing of Move-a-Body-Friends. You know, those people you would do anything for, like say, move a body? Since that’s a metaphor (sort of), I thought I’d make a list of things I would actually do (and in most cases already have) for my nearest and dearest.
1. Be designated driver on a girls night out because I know you need a glass of wine (or shot of vodka) more than I do -- and trust me, I need one.
2. Say, “That skirt/dress/jumpsuit makes your butt look fat,” when that skirt/dress/jumpsuit actually makes your butt look fat.
3. Explain that jumpsuits only look good on Rihanna and Rachel Zoe — and encourage you to stop wearing them.
4. Pretend I need you to fix my bra strap to save you from a tedious conversation with a boring mom at the playground or that annoying guy at Starbucks.
5. Despise someone I barely know because of something they’ve done to you, and then treat them kindly if you decide to forgive them.
6. Hold your hair if you’re throwing up in a club, which probably wouldn’t happen because we’re so not that cool anymore.
7. Call your mother/father/siblings/other friends to have an intervention if you get hooked on meth, crack, or One Direction.
8. Watch your kids when you need to go to the doctor, have a night out, do errands or simply take a long shower.
9. Alert you when you need said shower.
10. Bring you tampons, diapers, or my prescription for cramps at one in the morning, or at the very least hang a bag with those items on your door.
11. Rehash the time you or I got dumped/embarrassed/balled-out/hurt… because there’s a really funny private joke in there that always makes us laugh.
12. Never mention the time you or I, got dumped/embarrassed/balled-out/hurt… because we both know how painful that was. And besides, no good jokes came out of it.
13. Pluck your eyebrows, bleach your mustache and shave your legs if you had surgery.
14. Apply ointments to areas that are unappealing and unfortunately unreachable by you.
15. Be at your house in seconds flat at 4AM and allow your dog to maul me so that you can take a trip to the emergency room.