Fans of ABC's Scandal tend to root for the love affair between President Fitzgerald "Fitz" Grant and high-powered Washington D.C. fixer Olivia Pope. I confess I've gotten swept up in it myself at times and I'm a professional matchmaker and dating coach — I should know better! It's easy to root for the beautiful Kerry Washington to get hunky Tony Goldwyn — on television, that is! In real life, imagine that Olivia Pope was your best friend (in this scenario, she actually has friends). You would want to smack some sense into her, and fast! Here are all the things I'd tell her (and any real friend in her situation) if I could.
1. You Are A Mistress. Period.
Sure, you talk tough and you act like you have all the confidence in the world, but leader of the free world or not, he is still married to someone else. You are hot and you are exciting and you can't keep your pants on when you're alone with him. So big surprise that he's so into you! Do you really want to be that "but his wife doesn't understand him" woman? Have a little self respect! Also know that this is not going to end well.
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2. Fitz Is A Man-Child
He's supposed to be running the country. Does this man ever even hold a press conference unrelated to his infidelity? He plays basketball and he mopes after his mistress. At least he should make himself useful and help raise his infant son! He has temper tantrum after temper tantrum and needs other people to tell him what to do constantly. He makes messes he can't fix and ultimately feels justified because he loves you? He needs to grow up!
3. You Don't Keep Your Word
If anyone else lies or breaks a promise, you go all HAM on them. But when it comes to this man, this married man, you resolve never to see him, never to speak to him, never to answer your top secret Presidential batphone and yet you do. Every. Single. Time. Every time Fitz comes near you, you frown and say "No. NO!" But once he gets close enough, you melt and pounce on him like some oversexed teenager. Pull it together, Liv!
4. You Wouldn't Like Him If He Was A Bus Driver
Let's face it — without a domineering father, wife, chief of staff, and you, Fitz would NOT be President. Maybe an insurance salesman? And then you wouldn't be so hot for him. I mean, he's cute and all but he's not that cute. Admit it: you get off on the Oval Office sex! You know who else got busy in there with a President? Monica Lewinsky. Come on, Liv. You're better than this!
5. He Killed Your Mother (Or At Least You Both Thought He Did)
And even with that knowledge, all it takes is him flying you on Marine One (at taxpayer expense, no less) to some house in the middle of nowhere that he says he built for you? For you and your house full of kids?? First of all, he already has a WHITE HOUSE full of his children. And second, this gesture is equivalent to a regular guy finding an out-of-the-way Marriott for your rendezvous. Come on, girl. He didn't even decorate it in all white! Where was the red wine? He doesn't even know you.
6. You Are Living In A Dream World
You've never even been on a date. Gone to see a movie. Cooked dinner together. You don't know how gassy he gets. He's never seen you without a bikini wax. This is not real life! Two words: forbidden fruit. We'll see how romantic this love affair is after you start flossing in front of each other.
And that, dear Olivia, is why you need to dump this man and get on with your life. But of course we know you won't. And tha'ts okay because we still need you and our weekly dose of Scandal!
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