Your main obstacle to orgasm is your own attitudes towards yourself, body and sexuality.
Women's magazines would have you believe that there is a quick, easy fix for your orgasm issues. Orgasming is not about having the latest sex toy or the right partner. Your main obstacle to orgasm is your own beliefs and attitudes toward yourself, your body, and your own sexuality.
It's important to cultivate the right state of mind and attitude that will help you experience more pleasure, and then deeper orgasms, by yourself and with another.
As westerners, understanding something on the level of the mind makes it easier to accept and experience it. These attitudes are so important, that even if this is the only orgasm advice you'll be reading, it might greatly serve you in becoming more orgasmic and fulfilled.
Cultivate these mental attitudes to experience more pleasure, orgasm, and a more satisfying sex life.
1. Openness, acceptance and detachment
Many women don't orgasm because they expect a specific experience, probably that sharp strong peak of orgasm. They might experience orgasmic states but aren't aware of it because they are so focused on what they expect.
At one of the workshops I held, I guided a simple exercise of holding hands and focusing on sexual energy together with a partner. I noticed one of the women was shaking and shivering during the exercise. After the exercise, she came to me in tears. She said, "I always thought I wasn't orgasmic. Now I understand I have always been."
Orgasms come in many shapes and sizes, colors, durations and qualities, and include a variety of feelings, sensations, energy flows, and states of consciousness. Be open to whatever happens. Do not expect a particular experience, sensation or effect.
Whatever comes up — pleasure or pain — accept it, appreciate it, and allow it to pass when it does. Cultivate detachment to whatever happens, or doesn't.
Imagine if a man was focused and eager on getting you to orgasm. On one hand that's great that he cares, but on the other hand, that might pressure you and put an expectation on you, wouldn't it?
I've seen women sabotage their orgasm and the whole experience because they were so focused and eager to have an orgasm. Enjoy the ride, the exploration, the discovery — not the goal of orgasm. Have patience and remember that good things come to those who wait. And those who wait... come.
The more you relax, the easier it will be for you to orgasm. You can still be practicing different kinds of body movement, breath and so on, but the underlying attitude is that of relaxation, not effort.
Allow any action or movement to come from itself. You might have an orgasm from effort, but that might be a short and sharp peak, rather than a long and meaningful state of orgasm.
While self-stimulating or having sex, pause every 10 minutes or so. Notice the sensations in your body, as well as the feelings and emotions. Connect with your partner with eyes, breath, soft words and touch, and then resume what you were doing earlier.
4. Trust and surrender
An orgasm comes from letting go and surrendering, not from effort. The more you surrender, the deeper and more meaningful the orgasm.
If the idea or concept of surrender sound foreign, just try to accept and embrace whatever is happening or not happening, whatever sensations, feeling, emotions or thoughts you are having, without expecting or holding on to anything. Consider saying out-loud affirmations such as:
- "I trust and surrender."
- "I surrender to the pleasure, the pain, and whatever the moment brings."
- "It's OK to surrender."
5. Courage and persistence
During your sexual explorations, both by yourself and with another, stuff might come up. Stuff always comes up. You might have physical pain, emotional pain, frustration, confusion, old memories or traumas re-surfacing, strange physical phenomena or even pleasure which is so strong you can't contain it.
Have the courage to face what has been suppressed and hidden for years, and the persistence to go through it and overcome it. Remember that whatever pain or suffering you will be facing, the benefits, rewards and positive outcomes will be a hundred times bigger. It is worth it to face your stuff because doing so will transform your whole life.
6. It’s a process
Life is a process. Growth is a process. Evolution is a process. Your journey of healing, connecting to your femininity and your sexuality, becoming more orgasmic, going deeper into meaningful relationships, are all processes. Every step you take, every move you make, every try, every experience, every little win or little failure are part of the process.
Whatever comes up, whatever you experience, be happy with it, and know that more and better is yet to come. The rabbit hole is as deep as you want it to be.
7. Enthusiasm and fun
It's true that what you're facing might be challenging or daunting at times, so cultivate an attitude of enthusiasm and fun. Have a light attitude to this process, take it easy, have fun with yourself and with others as you are exploring your sexuality. The more you are able to have fun with it all, the easier and more effortless it will become.
8. Curiosity and exploration
Look at it as if you are exploring an unknown terrain, discovering new sensations and experiences, meeting parts and aspects of yourself you never knew. Cultivate your curiosity of how your body feels and functions, what's possible every time you try, how the different practices and exercises change your experience day by day.
9. Presence and awareness
One of the most important factors in a woman's orgasmic experience is how much she is present and focused while she is having sex with herself or with others. A man can easily orgasm and might even be able to pleasure you even if he's not really present with you, even if he's thinking about something else.
But for a woman, it's crucial to be present in the moment, in her experience, in her body, aware of the sensations, the flow of energy, the feelings and emotions that are coming up, and the different ways in which pleasure and orgasm are manifesting.
The more you are able to stay present, focused, and aware of the present moment, the more orgasmic you become. Cultivating this presence and awareness will actually affect or even transform all aspects of your life.
The awareness of the present moment — life energy flowing through your body, sense perceptions, the passing of thoughts — are all portals into deeper joy, sensation, pleasure, orgasm, and higher states of being.
You can use your mind to support you on your orgasmic journey. Cultivating the right attitude will work better then any sex toy or partner, and will open you to a new world of orgasm.
To understand how you are stopping yourself from orgasming, and what you could do about it, read Eyal's free ebook "Female orgasm redefined", or schedule a complimentary discovery session with Eyal.