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Tom returns to me a year and a half later; depressed and frustrated at his lot in life. He has so much to give, but no one will give him the time of day. We immediately dive back into coaching, and I'm nearly bubbling over because of the information I want to share with Tom.
See, Tom's weakness was the same as most of our weaknesses - he expected everyone to overlook his deficiencies, but he wouldn't really consider overlooking most women's deficiencies. In other words, the 5'3" guy who can't even walk is rejecting women who are a few years older or a few pounds overweight.
What I pointed out to Tom, as his coach and friend, was that the "10s" in looks were rarely "10s" in personality, kindness, humor, empathy, and integrity. I encouraged him to look at his past for verification of this. His refusal to consider women outside his very narrow definition of attractive was effectively relegating him to a life of solitude. Unless that's what he wanted, something had to give.
It was like a fire was lit under him.
Here is the last email I received from him.
"I just wanted to take this time to say “Thank you” for everything you have done for me. The lady I met on Match when we were engaged in our last coaching session and I have not only turned into a couple, but finally exchanged mutual “I love you’s” this past weekend. To top it all off, we both have gone off of Match and are literally making plans for all the things we desire to do with each other, and that includes a trip to Broadway in December.
Obviously, I understand there are risks inherent in any presumption concerning the future, but the most important thing is the fact your coaching and, particularly, your friendship, was a factor in this development. I’ve never been happier, walking disorder and all. My friend, by the way, embraces me with the disorder and is a real gamer, never uttering a complaint or ill thought during the times when I need a little assistance.
Interestingly, although she is “attractive,” she’s not a “10” by what I suggest may be other people’s standards. As you know, I had been out with quite a few “10’s” and have to say the women who are not “10’s” are just so much more fun to be with, maintain a friendship with and a love that is two ways, as opposed to one, and are much lower on the emotional maintenance side. And for the crème de la crème, my short stature means absolutely nothing to her (the “10’s” are much more judgmental in that regard). I will add our sex life is off the charts (the non 10’s try harder, and that’s great in the bedroom!).
In any event, thanks again for all your guidance. I could go on and on about all we have been through (you and I) and may even be equipped to write a little book on it now (LOL), but I just want to express my sincere and deep gratitude for all you have done for me. That session concerning “wants” and “needs” hit home. I suggest it was no coincidence after I learned that lesson from you my love life took a turn for the best.
Thank you, Ev, I love you man!
P.S. If you ever want a little testimonial, reference, or, especially, have another really short guy looking for some inspiration, you know where to look buddy.
Within a few months of our initial coaching, Marianne found love. The New York Times even did a story on us, and how I'd helped her land an amazing guy online. Alas, that relationship wasn't meant to be. Marianne moved on and returned to me as a member of my Inner Circle Group Coaching Program.
Through biweekly calls, Marianne once again steered herself back into a relationship. He was passionate, he treated her well, they were compatible in 1000 ways...except he couldn't get along with her daughter. After 8 months, this proved to be a dealbreaker.
So Marianne returned to the Inner Circle for more coaching. She'd been hurt before, but learned from coaching that "the next man has nothing to do with the last man". Using the same techniques that she'd mastered previously, Marianne finally found herself in another relationship, with a completely different type of man.
Instead of repeating her patterns, she realized that to get a different result, she had to consider a different kind of partner. Her boyfriend is a good blend of the creative and the masculine - working with his hands, playing guitar, and leaving all the number crunching and analysis to Marianne, the engineer.
Marianne's perseverance and devotion to coaching gave her the structure to learn that each relationship contains a very valuable lesson, if only you listen to it.
Thankfully, her attitude and positive spirit took all of my teachings and took it to a new level. After working with me for a few months, Carol dated over 40 men in the subsequent years.
Even after we were complete with our coaching, she would email me with progress reports and stories. She became a regular reader of my free newsletter and blog, and sent dozens of women my way.
And this was BEFORE she found love in the least expected form. While Carol was wealthy and sophisticated, her partner was more salt-of-the-earth. He wasn't wealthy or polished. He wore cowboy hats and had facial hair. What he did, more than anyone she'd meet in her dating journey, was to "get" her and make her feel like the most precious woman in the universe. Amazingly, this man from Appalachia, who was 12 years younger than Carol, turned out to be the perfect foil for her.
She realized that she didn't need a man who was wealthier or educated than she was. She needed a man who was more MAN than she was - a person to lean on, and laugh with, and touch, and share.
Like many relationships, it was not obvious at first glance, but because of Carol's incredible spirit, determination, and self-awareness, she was able to land herself the perfect catch.
Like clockwork, she'd invest a lot of time and energy in men who would never pay off - not because they were mean, but because they were ambivalent. And Lori's nervous and negative energy certainly wasn't helping them come to any conclusions.
Apart from rebranding her on Match.com as a means of creating new opportunity to meet men, the biggest work we did together was to prevent Lori from getting in her own way when she liked a guy.
This meant embracing a more passive, feminine side, which allows men to feel masculine and earn her commitment. Simply by stepping back and letting each man try to woo her, Lori began to feel more desirable. When a man disappointed, she didn't take it personally. She saw it as a lack of commitment on his part, which enabled her to move on to a better man.
Seven weeks into our coaching, Lori met Kenneth. He had all the traits of the men she'd desired in the past except these two: he was more quiet and introverted, which allowed Lori to shine more, and, 2) he was incredibly devoted to her. When her father was hospitalized, he stood by her side. When Lori got the flu, he was over her place with chicken soup. And, to her credit, Lori didn't fault him for being "too nice, too soon". She was thrilled to finally have a man who treated her well, showed her consistency, and allowed her to be a vulnerable woman.
Lori finished her coaching with a boyfriend - a thought she couldn't even fathom three months before.