Many Women Want the Nice Guy and the Bad Boy Rolled into One


Many Women Want the Nice Guy and the Bad Boy Rolled into One

I have been getting a lot of feedback from a lot of different straight women along the way telling me they want the nice guy AND "bad boy," or alpha male, all in the same man. Clients have told me this, past and present lovers, their friends, my female friends, and their friends too. They're tired and angry with having to choose between one of two men. Door number one: he'll be a best friend, do the dishes every night, give you chicken noodle soup when you're sick, and key to it all, have the capability for open-hearted, sweet interactions, affection and hopefully father your children.

Door number two: he's hot, super-confident in every way with you socially and sexually, he makes his desire for you very clear in a deep voice and then backs it up when the time comes, and the key to this door is passionate, competant, devouring-you sex of one sort or another. Then there's bad/dangerous men's allure for some women and that's a whole other post.


Those are the strengths to these two broad guy types. The weaknesses need hardly be repeated, they're thoroughly lamented already. All together now: Nice guy isn't confident enough in bed or out. Nice guys don't take the initiative enough while dating or in bed. Nice guy brings sweet, but no fire, let alone burning fire, to the bedroom, and sometimes, I inevitably CHEAT on him because I want that fire (not every woman does). Still in unison: hot guy is a pain in the ass for long term relationships, hot guy is largely aloof or has weak skills with empathy, caring, compassion, and non-passionate connection. Hot guy CHEATS on me or worse!! Etc, etc. on both types.

I say the problem gets solved by straight men, and gay men for that matter because they can have similar dynamics as well, taking on the challenge to gradually develop the strengths of both sides while eliminating the negatives. That said, a key part of this process will be women understanding that he may choose to leave out certain, but not all, macho, alpha male behaviors in exchange for specific woman-cooperative or socially supportive ways of interaction. This way, a woman can't stereotype and say, "Oh, he's sweet to me on a date so I know he's not going to be hot." That's possible, and it's also possible that he's observing basic civilities that won't be necessary once you're in the bedroom or that moment arrives and he turns on some heat.

I want to help more male sex life coaching clients than I already am, straight or gay, develop both sides, because men in my view, over the course of a lifetime's events, tend to move toward one direction or the other consciously or otherwise. I've worked hard to create both sides in myself. Through first studying Betty Dodson's perspective on female sexual pleasure-valued feminism for 10 years and then at the end of that, merging that with "alpha male" sexual modality and erotics. I say hard work because the two paths are diametrically opposed to each other and each takes time to cultivate on its own and be authentic. I see most clients taking me up on this coming from the path of nice guy mostly I think because a nice guy is inherently cooperative with everyone he meets, man or woman.

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