Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

4 Truths You Must Face If You Want To Find Love As A Single Mom

Photo: Photo by Dakota Corbin on Unsplash
dating advice for single moms
Expert
Love

If you don't want drama, you need to do this.

Everyone wants romantic love.

Love is a basic human need.

Maybe you’ve had it a little rough in life. Maybe love just hasn’t worked out for you. Whatever it is, you haven’t given up — and you shouldn’t.

You have some amazing qualities that life and single motherhood have grown in you.

And now it’s time to grow up in the relationship arena and be super mature and honest about what you want.

Most people live their lives without being completely honest with themselves. We all have parts we want to hide out of fear that, if “they” see the real you, they won’t accept the gnarly parts. We learn to hide early in life when we are chastised by parents or teased by friends. Eventually, we learn to hide from ourselves too.

We all have insecurities that can sometimes cause us to sabotage our relationships or keep them from blossoming to begin with.

If you find yourself attracted to one-sided, abusive, or unfulfilling relationships, it’s probably because you have operated in relationships by not really wanting to be seen.

When you develop a strong sense of yourself, it doesn’t matter what others think.

You can let the whole world see the real you. Owning up to all that mess you were trying to hide makes you more attractive!

But being honest with who you are isn’t quite enough. You must be honest about your wants and desires and what you bring to the table as well.

So how can you do this?

 

Here are four ways to accept the truth about who you are, and where you are in life, so that you can find the love you desire: 

1. Own and accept your desire for a soulmate. 

The truth hurts, but what hurts more is not honoring our own experiences in life by hiding behind lies.

Sometimes we block the good things that could come to us in life by pretending we don’t really want them or need them.

For example, telling yourself, “I don’t need a man”. Why don’t you? If you are going to stand by such a belief, you need to back it up with reasons why it is true for you, and then examine if it is really congruent with what you really believe and feel about this world.

But newsflash — if you desire a relationship with a man, then you DO need a man. And that is okay!

We are created to be in relationships with each other.

You don’t need a man to take care of you and your children financially. You can and should be able to take care of yourself — but you DO need a man because men are the Ying to our Yang. Our feminine energy is balanced out by their masculine. We were meant to have a partner.

It is okay to acknowledge this, even when you don’t yet have what you desire.

 

2. Build your soulmate map.

Now that you’re willing to embrace your desires, map them out by making a soulmate map.

What is a soulmate map? It is a mature creation of what qualities and characteristics you are looking for in your partner.

You can’t get where you want to go without a map!

I’m not talking about “6 ft tall, funny, athletic, and adventurous”. Your map should also never be about what feelings he creates in you (I want to feel loved or excited or supported or liked).

If you want these things in a relationship, think about what behaviors you need from him to elicit these feelings from you (I want a partner who is curious and asks me about my day or my experiences. I want a partner who shares my interests or is comfortable with me doing activities I enjoy by myself).

 

More from Dr. Zoe Shaw: When Parenting Is Disappointing And Sucky, Please Remember This

 

3. Be honest about your kids, their struggles, and their place in your life.

You may minimize issues when it comes to your kids because of fear that you may scare a new prospect off.

Talk to him about your kids, but don’t expose them to a new relationship for a number of months. It’s better to see what he’s made of early on than to find out after emotions have become involved that he can’t handle the reality of your daily life.

If he shies away, he’s not meant for you. Move on. Don’t get stuck feeling like you can change him.

 

4. Check your baggage.

Be radically truthful with yourself about your baggage.

We all have deficits and unattractive parts of our personalities. Know what these are. Ask your friends and family. They will tell you.

Think of any constructive criticism you may have received from past relationships. If you have heard this critique from more than one person, you probably have an issue in this area.

Acknowledge it and work on yourself through therapy.

 

Related: 4 Things You Think Men Should Know That They NEVER Will

 

Remember there is someone for everyone.

Stop comparing yourself to someone you don’t even really know.

Work YOUR strengths and the right guy will like you and fall in love with you because of your uniqueness, not because you are trying to be a replica of someone else.

Looking at your naked self in the “mirror” takes strength.

But you are strong.

You are not too old. This train has not passed you by. You can have the relationship you desire.

Focusing on these tips will help you get there.

Do you recognize yourself in any part of this article? Need some help? Reach out. Join Dr. Zoe Shaw's free monthly newsletterwhere you will get monthly tips and encouragement for redefining YOUR superwoman. Dr. Zoe Shaw is a licensed psychotherapist and life and relationship coach for women.

Author
Expert