- Are you too eager? Authenticity is a very attractive quality but so is not being too eager. Recent research has indicated that appearing highly self-confident as part of playing hard to get tests the commitment and quality of any would-be mate. The researchers sugest "...that the more unavailable a person is, the more people are willing to invest in them." http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/loves-big-secret-play-hard-to-get-8395973.html
- Do you get frustrated easily and communicate your dissatisfaction? Complaining isn’t an attractive quality. It is usually much better to just say how you feel and ask for what you want or need. And the tone of voice is important. We communicate our emotions by our tone.
- Do you accept that we all have a light side and a dark side? That’s right, even you. Knowing yourself and your partner is having an understanding of the different aspects of your personalities and how these came about. Can you accept that no one is perfect and you can’t change anyone else? Could you live with this other person if they never changed?
- Do you take the time to really know who the other person is? Versus projecting your idealized version of who you want them to be? If you are doing the latter, the other person will feel it and not feel accepted and known for who they are.
- Do you really listen? We all want to feel heard and understood. Being validated (meaning acknowledged for how we make sense, not necessarily agreeing) is very soothing. When we don’t feel heard and validated we may not want to stay around.
- Do you believe what they tell you? Or do you think you can get them to change? Best to accept what they say and if you don’t like it, move on to someone you do accept as they are. Believe what they tell you.
- Best to ask all the questions and do your interviewing in the first 5 dates. That is when most people are most honest. After that their answers may vary by what they think you want to hear. If you haven’t taking the opportunity of doing the interviewing early you may miss a lot of information that you need for determining compatibility.
- Be honest about what kind of relationship you want. Do you want marriage, committed monogamy, casual dating. Remember that once sex begins and oxytocin starts running through your veins, things frequently change to wanting more attachment than you thought you wanted initially.
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Article contributed by
Marian Stansbury, Ph.D., LMFT
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