You Attract Others At Your Common Level of Woundedness

By

You Attract Others At Your Common Level of Woundedness
Are you attracting people who turn out to be controlling, needy or unavailable? Discover why!

When I tell my clients that we attract each other at our common level of woundedness, they often ask "What exactly does this mean?"

Our level of woundedness is the level to which we abandon ourselves. While how we abandon ourselves may be different, how much we each abandon ourselves within our primary relationship is similar.

For example, Jamie and Marie meet and are attracted to each other. Jamie abandons himself through ignoring his own feelings and pulling on others to fill him up with attention, approval and sex. Marie also abandons herself by being a caretaker — tending to others' feelings while ignoring her own. Their common level of woundedness is the degree to which they each ignore their own feelings and avoid responsibility for them, and each turn to various addictive controlling behaviors to attempt to fill the emptiness within that results from their self-abandonment.

A woman who is taking responsibility for her own feelings — who is connected with her spiritual Guidance and has a loving adult self who takes loving action in her own behalf — would not be attracted to Jamie. She would immediately feel Jamie's inner emptiness and neediness and Jamie's energy would feel to her like the wrong end of a magnet.

Likewise, a man who is operating as a loving adult with himself would not be attracted to Marie. Instead he would feel put off by her caretaking and the inner neediness from which it stems. He would feel her insecurity, her fear of rejection, and the anxiety that goes along with inner abandonment. No matter how beautiful Marie is, this man would not be attracted to her frequency, which would be much lower than his.

"Why can't I attract an available partner?" ask many of my clients.

"Because you are not available to yourself — to taking responsibility for your own feelings. As long as you are abandoning yourself, you will attract someone who is also abandoning themselves, and may exhibit this self-abandonment by being emotionally unavailable."

"But many of my friends are in relationships. How come I'm not?"

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

If You're Always Getting Overlooked, You May Be To Blame

By

It feels terrible to be constantly overlooked. This is the situation that Melanie is struggling with: "Even when I think I am fitting in to a group and talking to everybody okay, I always seem to be overlooked when it comes to invitations etc. and then I feel completely invisible, as if they either don't remember that I exist or they are ... Read more

Do You Remember What You Say When You Are Enraged?

By

"Rage can…shut off the hippocampus [linked to memory], and people with out-of-control anger may not be lying when they say they don't recall what they said or did in that altered state of mind." Mindsight, P.155 Daniel Siegel, M.D. Have you had the experience of someone being enraged at you, and then when you try to talk about it after ... Read more

You Have To Love Yourself Before You Can Love Another

By

Antonio consulted with me because of problems he was having in his marriage. He was very distressed that his wife, Cynthia, never wanted to have sex with him. In the course of our work, it became apparent that Antonio was very judgmental of himself. Throughout a day he was constantly telling himself how inadequate he was. "You certainly messed that ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Most Popular