Will Your Next Marriage Be Better?

By

Will Your Next Marriage Be Better?
Discover the surprising statistics about 2nd and 3rd marriages and how to make it work!

"It’s time for me to move on. I’ve learned so much – I just know that next time it will be better."

"Our new relationship has a great chance, because we’ve both been married before and have learned a lot. We know that this time around we will do it so much better."

Is this true? Apparently not! According to research by Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri, while 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third marriages end in divorce. Is this surprising?

From my experience, most people who end their marriages have not learned what they need to learn, so they take their same fears, insecurities and their resulting controlling and self-abandoning behaviors with them into their second and third marriages. Of course, eventually they create the same or similar relationship system.

Most people who leave marriages believe that the problem is mostly their partner. But relationships are systems with both people participating in its organization. If you are not aware of the overt and subtle ways you control and abandon yourself in your relationship, then you will take all your wounded behaviors with you into your next relationship. Am I Doomed To Get A Divorce? [VIDEO]

The thing is, we keep attracting the same kind of person as long as we are the same kind of person.

I’ve long maintained that leaving a marriage before you have dealt with your own controlling and self-abandoning behaviors is often a waste of time (unless you are in physical and/or emotional danger). Now the research on marriage proves this to be true. If partners were devoted to healing their controlling, self-abandoning wounded selves, the divorce statistics would go way down – for first, second and third marriages.

The Real Issue Behind These Statistics

Self-abandonment leads to trying to control your partner into giving you the attention and approval you are not giving to yourself. There is little possibility of sharing love, fun and passion with your partner when your intent is to have control over getting love and to avoid both the pain of your own self-abandonment, and the inevitable loneliness and heartache that exist in all relationships to varying degrees. Until your intent changes from protecting/controlling to learning to love yourself and sharing your love with your partner, you will keep creating the same relationship dynamics over and over.

Keep reading...

More Juicy Content From YourTango:

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

Forget The Past And The Future — Life Happens Now

By

We'd all love to know the future — to know that everything turns out the way we want it to. Some of us spend a lot of time thinking about the future and doing all we can to control it. Or we get caught up on thinking about the past and how we wish we had done it differently. Yet every moment we think about the past or the future we are not in the ... Read more

Eating Well Means Living Well

By

Over 50 years ago, due to having been a sickly child and adolescent, I became interested in nutrition. After reading the current literature, I changed my entire way of eating. I cut out sugar, refined foods and frozen and packaged foods, as well as anything with pesticides or preservatives. At that time, there were few health food stores that carried organic ... Read more

Is It A Demand Or Request? Ask A Marriage Counselor

By

Are you confused about the difference between making a demand and making a request? It's easy to be confused about this. Tina asks, "Margaret, what's the difference between a demand and asking for what you need in a relationship?" Demands Asking for what you want and need in a relationship is important, but it becomes a demand when the ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Most Popular