Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

If You're Always Getting Overlooked, You May Be To Blame

Personal Development Coach: How Do I Stop Being Overlooked?
Love, Heartbreak

Have you wondered why you are so often overlooked when others aren't?

It feels terrible to be constantly overlooked. This is the situation that Melanie is struggling with:

"Even when I think I am fitting in to a group and talking to everybody okay, I always seem to be overlooked when it comes to invitations etc. and then I feel completely invisible, as if they either don't remember that I exist or they are deliberately being mean to me. I don't understand why I am treated differently from other people. I look okay, dress nicely and I think I behave well. When you talk about false beliefs I think—how can I tell myself it is false when it has been proven true over and over again? Sorry if I sound like a victim, but it is how I feel right now and I can't say this to anyone else."

Melanie, I'm sure it's not a false belief that you are being overlooked, since this is your experience over and over. The place to look at the underlying cause is not in how you look, how you dress or how you behave. The place to look is in how you treat yourself.

Others tend to treat us the way we treat ourselves. How are you overlooking yourself? As I list some of the way you might be overlooking yourself, try to be honest with yourself:

  • I'm focused primarily in my head, ignoring my feelings.
  • I ignore even my basic needs, such as when I'm hungry or when I need to go to the bathroom.
  • I believe that others' feelings and needs are more important than mine.
  • I believe that what I say and believe isn't as important as what others say and believe.
  • I don't speak up for myself when others discount me or are mean.
  • I give myself up to others, trying to please them.
  • I don't value who I really am. I believe I'm not good enough and I judge myself harshly.
  • I need other's approval to feel okay about myself.

You might want to look inside to see how else you might be overlooking yourself in ways that may be causing you to be overlooked.

If you recognize that how others treat you is a mirror of how you treat yourself, and if you are honest about how you are treating yourself, then you will understand why you are so often invisible to others and so often overlooked.

It's not your beliefs about being overlooked that are the problem—it's your false beliefs about yourself that are the problem.

If you want to change all this, then you need to start to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding to learn to love yourself, rather than keep rejecting and abandoning yourself. You will be amazed at the changes that occur in your life when you:

  • Lovingly attend to your feelings and needs, rather than continuing to ignore them.
  • Make your feelings, needs and opinions just as important as others'.
  • Learn to speak up for yourself when others are being unkind.
  • Stop giving yourself up and caretaking others — instead, giving yourself the approval you need.
  • Learn to define your own essence, rather than leaving your definition of yourself up to others.

In order to do all of this, you need to develop your loving adult self, which happens only when you develop your spiritual connection. You can't see and define your essence through the eyes of your programmed ego wounded self. Only your spiritual Guidance can help you to see the incredible wonderfulness of your essence—the spark of the Divine within you. This is the result of practicing Inner Bonding.

Learn to manifest your dreams! Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Frequency: Your Spiritual Connection and The Art of Manifestation," her new 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships," or her 30-Day at-home Relationships Course: "Loving Relationships: A 30-Day at-Home Experience with Dr. Margaret Paul—For people who are partnered and people who want to be partnered."

To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox." The first two weeks are free! Discover SelfQuest®, a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution computer program. Phone or Skype sessions with Dr. Margaret Paul.

Connect with Margaret on Facebook: Inner Bonding, and Facebook: SelfQuest.

This article was originally published at Reprinted with permission from the author.


Explore YourTango