Responsibility for Feelings - Yours or Others?

By

Responsibility for Feelings - Yours or Others?
Do you believe that you are responsible for causing others' anger, hurt, sadness or anxiety?

"My wife is so upset that I have to travel more on my new job," Chuck told me in our phone counseling session. "She feels so alone and lost when I'm gone. When I talk with her she is either crying or angry. I feel so badly and guilty but I don't know what to do."

"Do you feel responsibility for her feelings?" I asked him. "Do you feel that you are the cause of her feelings?"

 

"Yes."


* * * * *

"I'm just starting to date again after my divorce and I'm having a hard time with it," Jeanette told me. "I just don't know how to let a man know that I'm not interested in dating him any more, or in pursuing a sexual relationship with him. It feels like such a sticky situation."

"Is it sticky because you are worried about his feelings?"

"Yes. The last man I dated hung his head and looked so distressed when I asked him to leave. I know that he was really attracted to me and I wasn't at all attracted to him. I felt so awful that he was so hurt."

"Did you feel responsible for his feelings?"

"Yes."


* * * * *

"My 14 year old daughter is so angry at me for the divorce, even though she knows that we are divorcing because of all my husband's affairs," Alissa told me. "I feel so guilty, even though I am not the one who had the affairs."

"Do you feel responsible for her feelings?"

"Yes, of course!"

 
* * * * * 

Do you believe that you CAUSE others' feelings, and are therefore responsible for them?

This is a major false belief. Some of our feelings, such as heartbreak and grief from losing a loved one, or helplessness over others, or loneliness when we want to share love with another and no one is available, are caused by life events. But many of our feelings, such as anger, anxiety, depression, hurt, guilt, or shame, are caused by our own thoughts and actions. If Chuck's wife is abandoning herself by not attending to her own feelings, or by judging herself, or by making Chuck responsible for her, then she will feel alone and angry at Chuck. It is not Chuck who is abandoning her - it is her. Since there is nothing Chuck can do about the fact that his wife is abandoning herself, he cannot possibly take responsibility for her feelings. But he CAN take responsibility for his own feelings. As long as Chuck is telling himself the lie that he is responsible for his wife's feelings, he will feel badly and guilty. His guilt is his inner guidance's way of letting him know that he is telling himself a lie.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

Scream If You're OVER Being Your Partner's Therapist

By

One of the important things I learned in my own marriage and in my work with clients is that a committed relationship is NOT supposed to be a therapeutic relationship. We can help each other to learn, grow and heal, but this is very different than a therapeutic relationship. In a marriage, or close committed relationship or friendship, we can help each ... Read more

The Essential Guide To Romance vs Friendship

By

James, in his mid-30s, was ready to meet his life partner, get married and have children. After dating many women, he met Cindy. "She is really beautiful, although I'm not sure she's my type. But I think she is perfect for me. We have the same interests, the same values, we go to the same church and we both want children. My friends who meet ... Read more

How Do You React to Another's Emotionally Irrational Behavior?

By

Ted's mother was often emotionally irrational. She would demand irrational things from him, such as telling him that it was his job to make her happy. She would cry and yell when he did anything for himself, claiming that he was selfish and making her miserable. Often, she would scream at him out of the blue, for seemingly no reason at all. Sometimes she ... Read more

See More

 
My Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular