Photo: Jeffery Erhunse on Unsplash
Got something to say about it? Then say it!
By Lisa Kaplin — Last updated on Jan 24, 2023
Too many women are afraid to disagree in a relationship.
“It’s not even worth it to tell him my opinion because he won’t agree with me and we will fight. I hate fighting,” is what I hear all too often.
And I understand. I don’t like to fight, I’m not too fond of bickering, and I do enjoy a warm, peaceful existence with my spouse.
Yet, I know that when I don’t verbalize my strong opinions in my relationship, it makes my relationship worse.
Agree to disagree — because it spurs forward momentum
If I refuse to disagree, my voice is lost and I feel resentful. Then my spouse senses my resentment, pulls away from me, and we are in one miserable loop.
Wouldn't it be better to think carefully about what matters to me, share it with my partner in a calm and thoughtful manner, and then stand behind my opinion whether he agrees with it? That leads to me feeling more confident, him knowing where I stand, and the two of us using that opinion to have a deeper discussion with each other.
When couples tell me that they never disagree, I know that there’s a problem.
The problem is that one of them isn’t being honest.
Disagreements in a relationship can lead to stronger, happier relationships because you both have a voice, you are both expressing yourself, and hopefully, as a couple, you are coming to some type of resolution.
Hiding your opinions will only lead to bickering about silly things or passive-aggressive behavior.
Neither is good for you or your relationship.
Why are we so afraid to fight?
The most common reason is that we are afraid that our significant other won’t love us anymore.
And actually, they might be right ... they might not love you anymore. But what’s the alternative? Pretend you are someone you're not. Live lies so that they still love you or stay with you?
The healthiest relationships are the ones in which couples are honest with each other, disagree on some issues, and stay together despite those disagreements.
Some of us have spent most of our lives being “good girls” and keeping our opinions to ourselves.
We think it isn’t polite to share our opinion or to disagree but that’s anything but the truth. Using our voices in a clear, polite, and assertive manner is the way to our own confidence and happiness, and ultimately the route to the happiest relationships.
Because here’s the thing: Don’t you want to be with someone who loves you because of your strong opinions, even if they disagree with you?
Find the right frame of mind for a calm discussion
So speak up. Just don’t do it when you are all worked up.
Get yourself into a calmer space, listen to responses or rebuttals, keep an open mind, and stay confident that what you have to say is important and worthwhile.
And never settle for a relationship where someone doesn't value your opinion.
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Lisa Kaplin is a psychologist, certified professional life and executive coach, and a highly experienced corporate speaker. She helps people overcome stress and overwhelm in order to find joy in their personal life and success and meaning in their professional lives.