When it comes to sex and how we function sexually for some of us it is analogous to rocket science…bottom line – it’s complicated! It is never easy to live up to society’s standards as to what normal, healthy male sexuality is supposed to look and feel like [whatever that is?] exasperated all the more when there is something not quite right with how we are functioning when we are with our partner. As a sex therapist, I promote a sexuality based on pleasure, fun and intimacy and not performance. However, the social pressures that continue to exert their domineering effect of performance and our ability to identify with them is no small matter and one in which it is hard to ignore, let alone overcome. This leads me to address a problem that some men struggle with and it is the condition of delayed ejaculation. Delayed ejaculation is the condition when, as the witty and well researched sex expert Paul Joannides writes in his Guide To Getting It On, “your cork won’t pop!”
The following list was compiled and summarized from Joannides’ Guide:
1. This condition can present itself differently in different men. It can be intermittent or it can happen every time. It can be lifelong or something that crept up along the way. The condition can range from mild to extremely severe and anywhere in between.
2. DE is defined by the relationship of the couple; in order to declare a man has delayed ejaculation, both he and his partner need to consider it a problem. One reason for this situation is that many men are able to successfully ejaculate when they masturbate, but it is the introduction of another person that sets the issue in motion.
3. Sex should not be about the performance of the ejaculate, but the pleasure, fun and intimacy of being with another person.
4. There are plenty of ways you can enjoy intercourse and sexual intimacy without needing an ejaculation to signal that you are crossing the lovemaking finish line.
5. A couple’s chemistry, ability to talk it over, and willingness to deal with the matter are all important if they hope to make progress.
6. You want to rule out the possibility that the ejaculation problem is a side effect of any drug or medications you are taking. Anti-depressants are at the top of a list.
7. If your problem has had a sudden onset, it can be helpful to identify new experiences that could have contributed such as new medications. It is important to concentrate on changes you were experiencing at that time and to talk to your healthcare provider.
8. Men who are too focused on their partner’s pleasure can find it difficult to balance their own need to experience sexual excitement.
9. Sex is about sharing pleasure. Even if he never ejaculates, he might learn how to feel more pleasure and joy than guys who are able to come on command.
In the end, some men who struggle communicating with their partner have found it helpful to talk with a sex therapist about their condition. Reaching out for support and a way to open the dialogue usually will yield a more successful outcome.
Dr. John Beiter is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist with an office in Troy, MI. ☺