It's probably something that isn't obvious but that has a grip on the relationship, preventing any sex other than one of duty and performance. There are three ways you can get out of the stranglehold and enjoy a fulfilling sex life again. The story of David and Melanie show you how.
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David and Melanie see each other as withholding their entitlements, so sex is out!
David couldn’t stand coming home wishing for sex with his partner only to be rebuffed with a ton of excuses that he was well past tolerating. He was angry and gritted his teeth each time Melanie brushed past him. He was aware of wanting to force the issue but couldn’t live with being a monster. As much as he wanted his ‘rights’ to a frequent sex, he wanted Melanie to want him even more.
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Melanie wants to be David’s little princess
How could Melanie want to be sexual with her husband when he put her in a position of ogre? David never seemed to want to share a conversation with her about her feelings or his. That reminded her of her dad. He had always dismissed her as a whiner and never took the trouble to really talk with her and get to know how she operated. The longing for that relationship where she was daddy’s little princess and could do no wrong was very strong. She had never come close to having that with anyone. It seemed possible when she first met David. He seemed interested and glad to do things for her. He seemed happy to take care of her then. Now it was a chore that he either did in a passive aggressive way or wanting something in return.
David wants to be Melanie’s little prince
David hated hearing Melanie’s thoughts and feelings about their marriage, money problems or her health. He didn’t know what to do about it anyway, and felt unfairly burdened by her talk. What he wanted was to be Melanie’s little prince. That was what he had dreamed of all his life. That was his escape from a life of put downs and blame for his father’s bad feelings, or his mother’s tears of helplessness. He heard Melanie’s experience of their life together just an accusation, exactly as he had felt when his helpless mother and dismissive father constantly put him down and made him feel that he was the cause of their unhappiness.
It wasn’t like that when they first met. At that time she was starving for affection and physical closeness. She couldn’t get enough. He had felt desired beyond anything he could have imagined, and thought his wishes had all come true.