Turn A Volatile Relationship Into A Validating One


Turn A Volatile Relationship Into A Validating One
Seven tips on changing a conflict ridden relationship into one where there is mutual validation.

How would you like to turn your relationship that goes from wonderful to awful millions of time a day into a loving, comfortable connection?

You love the idea of it, but can't see it happening. The secret lies in discovering whether you have a 'validator' relationship or a 'battle type' relationship. The story of Peter and Hedy will help you find out which fits your connection and offers tips on making your relationship a peaceful validating one.


Hedy and Peter couldn’t go more than three days without some conflict.

Each of them felt outraged about the continued betrayal and disappointment that coated their emotional tongues. Peter wants things done, but he expects to be consulted Peter expected Hedy to take care of the house, the kids and family matters, but got upset when she didn’t do it his way. He also got angry when he wasn’t consulted before Hedy made decisions and took action. Like the time she accepted an invitation to a party on behalf of them as a couple, but to which he didn’t want to go. Like the time when she put the food on the table without separate forks for each course. That made him mad, because it wasn’t the way he was brought up, and it made him feel he was getting second class service.

Hedy wants Peter to take care of child care duties but doesn't approve of his methods

Hedy wanted her husband to do the bed time duties with the kids when she was tired, but got upset that he took too long, was too lenient with story time, and indulged their youngest child when he cried for attention. Hedy wanted Peter to take the kids to school in the morning and complained about his refusal to do it. When he made an effort to do so Hedy took him to task about buying them junk food on the way to school, and giving them extra pocket money.

What type of marriage is likely to fail?

Not sharing beliefs, ideas and decision making cause conflict Hedy and Peter rarely shared family and home care taking duties. They fought and argued, criticized and expressed outrage when either one didn’t do things as expected. They didn’t agree on how to bring up their kids because they never shared their views as they went along. They didn’t agree on their roles as husband and wife. They waited until there was a transgression against one of their personal standards and used it to beat each other up.

Research indicates that conflict ridden marriages are prone to break up and divorce

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
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Dr. Jeanette Raymond


Dr. Jeanette Raymond, psychologist, relationship expert, psychotherapist and coach.

Author of Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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