Friendship, loyalty, tolerance, and empathy are built up when sex is not the sole criteria of love.
Leon and Maya liked each other and felt comfortable around one another. They could talk about anything and had talked about past relationships. Somehow they found comfort in each other, commiserating, feeling understood, and cared for. They had one night of sex, enjoyed it, but then it stopped.
Leon spent hours and hours with Maya at her place, wrapping himself around her in bed, eating, watching movies, going out and just hanging around. It was warm and honest. When he left Leon kept in touch by phone and text messages, as did Maya. Their connection remained continuous, but Maya found herself obsessed with Leon’s lack of interest in having sex.
- Maya focused on the absence of sex, not on his hours of affection and warmth.
- Maya focused on the absence of sex, not on his giving of himself to her for days and nights.
- Maya focused on the absence of intercourse not Leon’s exclusive choice of companion and confidant in her.
Maya’s dissatisfaction and irritability brought a tension to the relationship making it uneasy causing damage to the delicate emotional bond that was forming. Leon felt he was wanted just as a stud to service Maya and the pressure made him back off. Maya felt rejected - undeservingly so, and chalked it up to yet another failed encounter with men in the romantic arena.
Why was sex so important to Maya?
Having a man in the intimate act of sex was the ultimate act of possession and exclusiveness. He couldn’t possibly be elsewhere if he was having intercourse with her. During the sex act Maya could bask in the security of owning him, mind, body, and soul.
A few minutes later when the sex act was over and he left, she was bereft again, waiting for the next time they had sex. She never had the experience of having an emotional connection and then adding the physical intimacy later. Maya had it backwards, starting from sex and then working up to the bond.
Why no sex was the crucial step in developing the solid bond
Leon and Maya had a lot going for them. They were friends, confidants, in the same professional circles and fond of the same leisure activities. That too was a great set of compatibility factors to mess with. The sex would have separated their emotional and social bond making it about releasing physical tension, not about loving and caring. So the sex stopped to make sure that the foundation for a healthy, long term stable relationship could be formed, where sex would be included as a wonderful addition.
As Maya began to value what Leon was giving her other than sex, she felt loved and cared for, taking the pressure off Leon. He too felt that he was wanted for himself, not just his sexual prowess.
Maya and Leon are now in a long term stable relationship, close emotionally, and enjoying a satisfying healthy sex life that's about love and connection. Not just an act of fulfilling an expectation that was screwed up in the first place.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have while reading the article or implementing any of the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond, PhD.
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This article was originally published at Jeanette Raymond Los Angeles West Side Therapy. Reprinted with permission from the author.