How To Have A "Good" Fight In Your Relationship
By Dr. Gary Penn. Posted on .
Having a fight is normal in a relationship but with this simple tip, learn to fight fair and with love.
"You don't ever listen to me!" "I do too listen to you! Besides all you ever do is criticize me." "I wouldn't have to criticize you if you … " "You are such a ... "
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And so it begins. A fight that is now engaged in your relationship that can sometimes lead to hours or even days of tension and conflict. Usually the issues that are being argued are relatively benign: You never listen to me. You are always late. You're messy. You're controlling. You're overbearing. You always forget what I ask you to do. You spend too much time with your friends.
I'm sure you can add you top 10 here as well. The point is all of these issues are relatively mild. I am or can be guilty of all of these and a lot more. I can not listen or be messy or controlling …
These are issues that should be nothing more than brief disagreements or check-ins but often escalate into something much bigger.
Why? Because, what really causes the fights is the reaction that one person has to the original complaint/accusation. The fight is really about the denial. The fight is really about the defensive reply. The fight is really about the counter attack. All over what? That you don't listen. That you're messy. Are you really ready to go to "war" because you are being accused of not listening or being late?
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The key in these situations is to bring a conscious mind to these types of interactions. Refrain from automatically reacting. An excellent technique is to agree with the supposition that is put your way. For example, if your partner says "You're controlling," instead of instantly saying "I am so not controlling" or "You're always telling me what to do," try the non-defensive route that looks something like, "I know I can be controlling. What makes you say this?" Keep reading ...
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