Lack Of Communication Can Lead To The Final Straw

By

Lack Of Communication Can Lead To The Final Straw
Couples' Lack of Open Communication can Lead to the "Final Straw,"

An article in the Wall Street Journal investigates how and when couples know whether it's "just another fight," or if the relationship is over. (http://on.wsj.com/He4619) Considering that statistically, most people stay in a relationship for six years when they're unhappy, the final straw may come as quite a surprise for the other person.


Marriage and relationship therapist, Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil points out that one of the most common problems between men and women is the "schism" of communication styles and abilities between men and women. "This is often what women describe as 'shutting down,'" she says, "but often men don't know it's happening, or can't accurately convey what they're feeling. Hence, what women perceive as shutting down."


When one person in a marriage decides they've experienced the last straw, and the relationship is over, the other partner may be caught off guard and want to work on things. One type of therapy explored in this article - and used by Dr. Bonnie (Discernment Therapy) - is used to help the spouse who wants to leave determine if that is truly the best decision or if reconciliation is possible. Thirty percent of people considering divorce would also consider reconciliation.


As Dr. Bonnie discusses in her book, Make Up Don't Break Up, she believes that most relationships can be saved - and she recognizes work should be done on the marriage before they get to the "final straw" point. Most of the time, says Dr. Bonnie, when couples do the work on their relationship, they decide to stay when they find their way.


"In my practice I frequently treat people who were caught off guard by a divorce request after what they have may felt was 'just another fight.' The reality is that people often stew in their dissatisfaction rather than dealing with it constructively, and then allow it to blow up - or end the relationship," Dr. Bonnie explains. This is also prime time for people to have affairs - they will feel it shakes up the relationship when they feel stuck.


The biggest complaint that women have in this situation, says Dr. Bonnie, is that men shut down and don't share. "But the men I see often reveal that they are frustrated too - they don't know how to share what they're feeling or why they're upset and their wives expect them to."


Since women tend to be the guardians of connection, Dr. Bonnie suggests a few things they can do to help ensure a safe communication environment, where surprise blow-ups won't occur!


* Don't ask "what's wrong." Instead of opening up, men in this situation will just shut up!

Keep reading...

More Juicy Content From YourTango:

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Bonnie Weil

Author

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Relationship and Family Therapist
info@doctorbonnie.com 
http://www.doctorbonnie.com

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: PhD
Other Articles/News by Dr. Bonnie Weil:

The Science Of Love: Can Opposites Really Attract?

By

From sparks flying when your fingers touch to electric waves running down your spine, we all know the little signs to look for when it comes to falling in love. It's only natural to feel something for someone after spending so much time together and finding out that you share the same interests. But what happens when you fall for someone who is your ... Read more

How Do I Avoid Being Too Controlling In My Marriage?

By

There's a thin line between suggesting your spouse do something and demanding they do it. The latter is considered controlling behavior and that is a major no-no in marriage.  Marriage therapist Dr. Bonnie Weil explains why you shouldn't attempt to control your spouse and what ultimately happens when you try.  Watch the video to learn ... Read more

Marriage: Help! My Husband Always Humiliates Me In Public

By

Does your significant other leave you blushing and speechless in public? Are you sick of your relationship being a continuous awkward moment? Embarrassing your husband or wife in public is a social and relationship no-no. Marriage therapist Dr. Bonnie Weil explains the importance of staying honest (behind closed doors). “Honesty can be cruelty; you ... Read more

See More

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.