How to Get Time for Intimacy (without Spending the Big Bucks) if You're Parents of Small Children (EXPERT)
To have intimacy in a relationship, couples need to have the four T's: Time, Talk, Trust and Touch. But for many parents of small kids, finding the time to talk and touch intimately is difficult. Who will take the kids? It's a problem. Many parents live far from family, budgets are tight, babysitters who you can trust to take the kids away for several hours are hard to find and expensive, and for many couples, really wonderful sex takes a few hours, not a few minutes or an hour. So what's the solution?
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OK, let's say that you're a couple with small kids, and you don't have any close relatives or friends who can give you some time to break out of the mommy and daddy role. And you don't have the disposable money of Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie to hire nannies or baby-sitters. What then?
You still have to deal with the current reality somehow. Staying connected sexually takes work and planning. The truth is that if you don't have a decent amount of time together, the mom won't be able to click out of her mommy role and remember that she is a sexual being. And you also have to get a good night's sleep in order to be able to be a decent parent in the morning. What can you do?
Well, here's a suggestion:
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Even if you are a very social couple, make a joint decision that sometimes the two of you will forego "social night with other people" for "really good sex night" with each other. Most couples really cannot have both these fun activities in the same night.. Ahead of time, take out your calendars and mark off one or two weekend nights a month where you will not make plans with other people. No family obligations, no dinners with friends. Make a plan for the day of the date night that includes:
- Plan time for either one or both of you to take naps during the day while the other watches the kids, including feeding the kids outside of the house.
- No cooking or cleaning up of the evening meal. Get takeout or heat something up.
- Feed the kids and get them to bed early.
- Eat dinner early yourselves.
- Eat LIGHTLY. Again, do not fuss with cleaning or cooking.
- Do not answer the phone after six o'clock.
- Have a home movie or something fun to watch at home while you wait for the kids to settle down and go to sleep. Whatever this is, make sure you do the activity together.
- No doing mail, email, bills, work, or other parallel activities.
- You will have digested your food and gotten your children to sleep by nine o'clock. You will now have at least two hours to reconnect, to talk, to lie together and enjoy each other's bodies. All this, and you still will be able to get to sleep early enough to enjoy being a parent the next day.
---from Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On*, Zoldbrod and Dockett, 2002, p. 96-97