Many of us have read The Secret and tried to use its principles to create the dating adventures and love relationship of our dreams. So we make affirmation after affirmation. After affirmation. There’s only one problem—they don’t seem to come true! This can get quite demoralizing and frustrating. Sometimes when you craft an affirmation and it fails to materialize you can get hopeless and truly down about your prospects, to the point of withdrawing from the whole dating scene altogether.
Yet research has repeatedly shown the power of positive self-talk, which is what most of us call affirmations. Research studies have shown that positive affirmations lower stress and anxiety levels and boost social confidence. And the great news is this: there is a way to create a love affirmation that will truly work! I call such an affirmation your Love Intention.
In my new book, Sealing the Deal: the Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love, I describe two simple steps that will help your Love Intention actually manifest.
1. Craft Your Love Intention
So now ask yourself, what is your love intention? What is it that you would like to create in your relationship--whether you have been seeing someone for a few months or several years? Would you like to be engaged? Living together?
Establish a sense of we-ness, connection and deep trust? Would you like to create a relationship in which your partner truly gets you, listens to you? Where you have exciting plans for the future? Yes, you would? OK. What else? Would you like to be married and have children? Would you like to run off with your boyfriend and wind up going to Tuscany and painting your heart out? And luckily, he loves the idea of you doing it? Plus he thinks you're gifted artist?
Everyone has a different love intention. When you find an imagined state of affairs with images, sounds and feelings that are right for you it'll call to you. You'll feel it. Definitely. You’ll laugh or cry, or both. It's like, Oh, my goodness, that's exactly what I want. Build your love intention from this imagined state of affairs--from pure possibility, not with any idea of whether you can or cannot do it. Even if you feel that it is totally impossible!
A love intention is not what you spit out when friends ask you what you want in a relationship. It is an imaginative statement created AS IF THERE WERE NO LIMITS. The brain’s frontal lobe is activated when we strongly believe something. The brain sees what we believe as real. To get yourself into that state, make your love intention as a statement about your love life as if it were happening right now. This allows the brain to perform a mental rehearsal of what it expects to find out there in the world. It’s like a slalom skier who mentally rehearses going downhill around the gates without a fall or miss ‘til she crosses the finish line.
World class athletes do this all the time so that when they are at the starting line in the race, their frontal lobes and muscle memories know exactly what to expect and how to behave. Just as it works for Olympic athletes, it’ll work for you. Through repeated rehearsals of your love intention your brain will shape your perceptions of how the world looks and then your actions will lead you to creating more love in your life.
Understand that a Love Intention is a kind of deep affirmation that comes from your heart. It comes out of your deepest longing. A Love Intention is a simple global statement that you make regardless of your present real life circumstances. So think about this question carefully. What is your love intention? State it in one sentence, in the present tense.
Let me give you some examples:
I have a devoted, loving, excited and exciting life partner.
I have a great, devoted companion who goes on world adventures with me.
I marry a fabulous guy who is just right for me.
If it feels great to think your love intention, then it is right on target. If a statement feels scary, that is good—you are pushing the edges of your growth. You can put your partner’s name in the love intention if you choose.
Ben and I share a marriage that is exciting, nourishing and sexy.
Brandon and I get closer every day.
Jason and I commit to a win-win, growing love relationship
2. Activate Your Love Intention
This is the key secret! Think of your love intention as a mantra and use it in a similar way. In meditation you are instructed to put your attention on a given sound or series of words that serve as a mantra. Then, when thoughts or doubts come, you accept them. It's like, "Oh, I have to do the dishes" or “I'm worried about that deadline at work." Work with your Love intention either in your mind or aloud in the same way.
First, focus on your Love Intention. Then let any other thought or doubt come to mind, like, “I will never have this kind of love” or “It is too hard.” Just let these kinds of thoughts come. Then go back and put your attention on the mantra. Keep alternating between your Love Intention and any other thoughts or doubts until the other thoughts or doubts fade away. Finish by putting your full attention on your Love Intention.
Do this practice every day. Just for a few minutes.
For example, you think, "I have a beautiful, loving relationship that gets better in every way." If a thought comes up, like "Oh, that's impossible…my kids are too much for him," just let it come and go like a cloud going by. Then go back to the Love Intention. Just work back and forth with it.
Creating and practicing a Love Intention that sets you in motion toward your love goal doesn't take much effort. Yet, the results are very powerful. It is by not resisting the negative thoughts and feelings that come up when we envision love that those self-sabotaging bits of self talk lose their power. Your Love Intention will then be able to engage your mind and lead you to the great and fulfilling relationship that is your heart’s desire.
For more on how to create the love you really want, pick up a copy of the acclaimed new book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love. You’ll see why 14 top relationship experts and self-help gurus like John Gray, Dr. Christiane Northrup and Arielle Ford have raved about this relationship advice book.
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter.