What to Do When He/She Won’t Commit?

By

What to Do When He/She Won’t Commit?

Many mentees, readers and clients have asked me:

"I'm in a relationship with a terrific guy/gal but it's been 3 years (or 2, 4, 5 or more years) and he/she won't commit. I'm not getting any younger. Dr. Diana, what can I do?"

SOUND FAMILIAR?

Well, I've helped so many people through the commitment process that my new relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal, is devoted to that very topic. This article is excerpted from Sealing the Deal and will help you move forward when your partner can't/won't COMMIT. I will share two powerful exercises that will build self-esteem and move your love life forward to commitment.

Perhaps you've met the One only to see him or her come on like crazy, and then pull back for no apparent reason. So all of a sudden, everything becomes murky and uncertain in terms of your relationship. Are you a couple or not? Has your partner met someone else? Why are they running hot and cold? Do you have a future together?

Should you have "the talk" about where things stand? Maybe you blurted out something about the future only to find your heart sinking as your Beloved pulls away and actually leaves you. And you wonder, Is it me? Is it my partner? Will I ever have a committed, solid and lasting relationship?

Maybe you are in a long term ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN relationship where one or the other of you periodically withdraws or sees other people. Have you ever been involved and in love with someone for months, or even years, only to find that they simply cannot or will not take that next step into living together or marriage?

First, you should know that the average time for a couple to move from dating to a committed relationship, with a future that includes living together or getting married, is from nine months to four years. All this varies considerably from couple to couple. But, research shows that in the U.S. and England it's about three years. Usually, if things drag on in an uncommitted state much beyond a few years, the relationship will tend to go downhill and eventually die.

If you've been with your partner in an exclusive relationship for at least two or so years and he/she shows no signs of wanting to make it permanent by getting married, the first thing you have to do is to decide if you are really committed to having love in your life?  Are truly committed to yourself and your dream of a committed, married relationship?

My question to you is this: if you are not going to be there for yourself, who will be?

It's important that you develop your sense of SELF-WORTH if you expect your partner to really value you. In Sealing the Deal, I devote three entire chapters to not only building self-esteem but also setting the stage for commitment; how to have the talk so he will listen; and what to do if he/she won't commit. Throughout the book I share my own personal stories and those of others who built up their self-worth from NOTHING and then were able to form committed, lasting love relationships.

Get Started With Step One: Give The Following Sentences Five Different Endings:

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Diana Kirschner

Author

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-seller “Love in 90 Days.”

Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter.

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: PhD
Other Articles/News by Dr. Diana Kirschner :

3 Simple Steps For Lasting Love

By

Are you in a rocky relationship? Feeling resentful, anxious, distant, or lonely in your situation? Whether you have been dating for two months or married for 10 years, things can go south all too easily in a couple. Yet there is nothing quite as painful as when things are falling apart, when you know that your love might be lost forever. Can I turn it ... Read more

Putting Your Relationship On Probation: Part 2

By

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. ~G. K. Chesterton If your Beloved is not growing in his ability to love deeply and commit to you, you may find at some point that you want to leave. In Part 1 I showed you how to have the Probationary Talk with your partner/spouse to give him a heads-up that the relationship was coming to an ... Read more

Putting Your Relationship On Probation: Part One

By

If things have been dragging along in a stuck or uncertain state and your Beloved has not responded positively to “The Talk”, you may want to put the relationship on probation. This means you will let your partner know that you may be leaving him so that he has a chance to work on things. This is especially true if you still have hope for the ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Most Popular