This is it, you vow. I am ready to have a real relationship. With a nice guy. A good guy. Like Allen, from your last job, who was crazy about you. The guy who wanted to go out with you but you blew off—and now he is married with three cute little kids.
You are done with players, elusive hotties, the ones who come on strong and disappear, cheaters and all-around heart-breakers. You are sick of being disappointed, hurt, betrayed, furious and depressed. Sick of lying on the couch with the remote and your cell while you go through a whole tissue box worth of tears.
You know that choosing from this pool of nice types will save you a lot of wasted time with men who are not into you, scoundrels who betray you or narcissists who blame you for any and every problem. You are ready for a partner who is your best friend. But there is one hitch: you just don’t feel it with the nice guys.
No chemistry. No tingle where it counts. No adrenaline rush when he looks into your eyes. There is this one guy you met online, the paunchy one. He is a great guy, successful, giving, crazy about you, and even has nice eyes, you think. But there is no spark.
Are you doomed because of some weird neurological wiring, and biochemistry, to only be drawn to those you can't have?
No. You're not. I've worked with many women who complained of the same dilemma. And now they are married to great guys. What's their secret? Here are 6 relationship tips you can use to join the lucky ranks of women who overcame their initial lack of attraction and fell in love with terrific guys.
1. Remember to give him a real chance. Even if he is balding, paunchy, nerdy or not particularly attractive. In fact, you want to date against type. Be honest with yourself. Has dating your type gotten you anywhere? Even if you are not exactly blown away on the first date, remember to stay open. Go for at least a second or third date. You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone just by meeting them once. You have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his different sides. If there is any connection with this person at all, give it another chance. Chemistry can happen in a heartbeat.
2. Practice my Opening Possibility Exercises Now (OPEN). If a guy seems crazy about you, is willing to grow and is a good guy—use my OPEN Techniques to see what may be there. First, think of him as a present wrapped in nested boxes. As you interact, you are unwrapping the present and finding out more and more things about him that may be wonderful. This process often leads to marvelous chemistry and connection!
3. Use affirmations before each date. I have fun with this man. I see the hidden possibilities in him. This man is a present for my enjoyment. More will be revealed about this person. I uncover and enjoy the wonderful aspects of this man. I find chemistry with him.
4. Go on dates that are exciting, novel and get the adrenaline pumping. Novel experiences can stimulate adrenaline and give you a rush, while exciting dates produce dopamine, the brain chemical of love. Go on a roller coaster at the amusement park, or rock climbing at your gym; take a helicopter ride; try hiking on a high, winding trail or wind-surfing; make a mad dash to catch a sunset at the beach; scream yourselves silly at a football game or at the racetrack. Studies show that people who are emotionally aroused—whether by joy, fear or any other feeling—fall in love more easily. As two love researchers once wrote, "Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder."
5. See him in his element. Plan a date around skiing, a performance of his rock band, a wine-tasting event or something else he excels at. You will catch sides of him you haven't seen before. His personal power and charisma will be at their height and just may open up a host of juicy feelings.
6. Try turning yourself on first. Go on a date wearing your sexiest lingerie under your clothes. Flirt with him, get touchy-feely, whisper in his ear and maybe kiss him. If he suddenly comes back with some sensual moves, your "chemistry experiment" may prove to be a sparkling success!
Remember that love almost always comes in a surprise package; most people do not end up with the kind of person they imagine for themselves. The woman who dates starving artists marries a rich, balding lawyer. One of my love mentees who was deeply infatuated with a hot George Clooney look-alike (he was married) later created a gem of a marriage with a short plain guy who was her champion and a healing force of nature in her life.
So practice these 6 relationship tips and your love life will make a 180° turn.
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & the best-selling author of Love in 90 Days (dating advice book), out now in paperback with a new chapter on "Dating Games Men Play." Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.
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