Sex on the First Date and Other Conundrums

By

Sex on the First Date and Other Conundrums

The more I do this work of mentoring women on relationships the more I am puzzled by popular behavior. Take for example, sex. This word is fraught with so much baggage that it is a wonder any of us can have healthy sexual relationships, married or not. My thoughts here stem from conversations I’ve had with clients and friends about whether or not one should have sex on the first date, and whether it even matters in these contemporary times where “hooking up” is commonplace for some. While some women will say that they are down for a good time, no strings attached, what I’m seeing is the damage and heartbreak many women suffer when they actually do it. While sex on the first date has certainly been happening throughout time, it is now that we see the effects upon “liberated” women, who like it or not are still penalized by society as being promiscuous, cheap and still called sluts or even worse names I won’t write here and are damaged by them. Although women’s sexuality is highly commodified, and pursued, she still carries the brunt of societal sexual mores. She should allow herself to be desired and chased, but never caught without a ring on it.

But, back to the point at hand: Some women have taken on sexual behaviors more associated with men, and is it getting them what they want? I have to say no. A lot of these women still end up without the guy, with a bad reputation, hardened broken hearts, and wondering what happened. Even though I risk putting all women in the same boat here, forgive my essentializing for the moment, but women are not men. Women and men think and feel differently; estrogen and testosterone actually mean something, and, of course, we are socialized differently. So, sisters, if you are going to play a man’s game, enter it with your eyes open, hearts in neutral, and go along for the ride. Just PLEASE, don’t expect that man to become your husband or even call you in the morning. Does it happen? Yes. But usually? Not so much. Why? He still thinks of you as his “hook up” or worse. Sure he desired you, but now, game over.

To the men: This can be a dangerous, messy game. You know that women get their emotions involved, even when they say they won’t. When you think she starts “acting crazy,” consider the bigger picture. Women are not men, and will not react the same way as you.

So, what’s the verdict? Is sex on the first date a good idea? You tell me.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.