9 Pointers for Dealing with Difficult Family at the Holidays

Maybe it’s your family of origin. Or maybe your in-laws, or your boyfriend or girlfriend’s family is the issue. At any rate, it’s the holidays and you’re most likely going to be around someone’s family in the next couple of weeks.

If time spent with family is not always easy, light, and fun, you’re not alone.

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Here are 9 tips to help you survive the holiday season with difficult family members. Yours or theirs.

1. Don’t try to change them. This one’s number 1 for a reason: it’s the root cause of your frustration. Not only is it what underlies everything, there’s also an excellent chance that it’s the most difficult thing on the list.

I’ll just give it to you straight: when you want or expect others to be different than they are, you end up disappointed. You know you can’t change them—wishing for them to act any other way only drives you crazy.

When you accept them exactly as they are, your resistance and inner battle dies down. Acceptance doesn’t mean approving of or condoning what they do. It simply means you stop expecting them to be different than they are.

2. Don’t take things personally. Their nitpicking or disapproval is rarely about you. If they disapprove of your date, pressure you to find a job, don’t thank you for the gift you spent hours picking out…that’s about them. They get to choose their behaviors, and what they choose is always more a function of their experiences and their worldview than it is about you.

So they’re the kind of person who asks rude questions or doesn’t appreciate gifts. Fine. It has nothing to do with you and less personally you take it, the happier you’ll be.

3. Choose your battles. When it comes to addressing things that bother you, turning the other cheek is usually the safest choice. Of course there are exceptions and there may be times you desperately need to speak up for yourself or leave the situation. But by and large, family time during the holidays is relatively short and infrequent. Remind yourself that you’re leaving town soon and just let it go.

4. Protect your energy. When tension is high, you can literally feel the energy in a room shift. Don’t let your energy be hijacked by anyone else. Decide how you want to feel and consciously decide to feel that way. Being calm and peaceful is your best asset in any stressful situation.

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5. Take responsibility.  Wiith an open-mind and a willingness to be wrong, look at your role in the tension. It’s natural become defensive when you’re challenged or attacked, but try examining yourself from their point of view. If you’ve done something that isn’t the highest expression of who you want to be, acknowledge and apologize for it. Simply and sincerely apologize for any role you may have played in the disagreement so that you can put it behind you and move on.

6. Ask: What can I learn from this? You’ve heard it before—difficult people are your greatest teachers. They test your limits and help you grow.