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How Self-Discovery Can Transform Your Relationships

Love, Self

Conflicts? Painful professional or personal relationships? Use the magic of self-discovery


by Doris Helge, PhD. © 2012



The foundation of any happy relationship is a rich relationship with your Self. When you’re comfortable being 100 percent YOU, you live your values, so your life is always on-track. Because you don’t waste energy comparing yourself to other people, your inner critic takes a long snooze.

We are all hardwired to crave similar relationship goals.

  • Powerful, productive professional partnerships
  • Passionate romance fueled by a nurturing, loving, supportive relationship
  • Peaceful parenting in which each person is heard, respected, loved and validated

Unfortunately, most people are struggling to be comfortable living in their own skin. Some people struggle to people please. Because they go along to get along, their colleagues and partners don’t trust them. There is an instinctive awareness, “I can’t count on them not to sway whichever way the wind blows, just to stay upright, no matter what happens to the rest of us.”

Other knee-jerk responses when people feel unstable in a wobbly world also sabotage relationships. Some people who feel out of control try to micro-manage or manipulate other people. Others withdraw from social interactions. Some hoard essential information and resources. Others engage in addictive behaviors. Some play the blame-and-victim-game, “I’m a victim and you’re the cause of my unhappiness.”

On the other hand, when you steadily shine your authentic inner light, most people will be drawn to you like sailors lured to a lighthouse on a stormy night. Since so many people are struggling to discover their True Selves, most folks will be inspired by your example. They’ll sense that you’re living your values. You’ll be valued and validated just as you are.


You are the one person with whom you will spend the rest of your life.

Each time you elevate your self-awareness, you foster a new level of self-acceptance.

It’s never who you are
that holds you back.
It’s who you think you are.

Each of us possesses a True Self and a False Self. Your True Self is the essence of who you are, no matter what other people have told you about yourself. Unfortunately, your True Self is often overshadowed by Your False Self. This self-image includes erroneous negative perceptions and self-judgments.

You can easily tell the difference between the two. Since your True Self is the true you, when you are living that reality, you are more likely to experience the following.

  • You feel confident.
  • You think clearly.
  • You feel peaceful, contented or joyful.

When your False Self is in control, you are more likely to experience the opposite.

  • You judge yourself harshly.
  • You feel separate from other people.
  • You compare yourself unfavorably to others or vice-versa.
  • You feel like you must be superior to other people in order to feel secure or confident.
  • You insist that you’re right or devalue someone else’s point of view.
  • You’re plagued by a negative outlook on life.

Your False Self thrives by being out of sync with the present moment and the infinite possibilities available to you. It plays old movies that vividly portray a wide variety of unpleasant events from your past. Sinister soundtracks screech and hiss. Your False Self Theatre also specializes in graphic, detailed horror movies regarding potential, but very unlikely, future events. When False Self runs the show, it is as if you’ve invited the most critical commentator you could find to shadow you 24/7 and deliver a devilish documentary detailing evidence that you are capable of making mistakes. (Who isn’t?) The dreadful dialogue in the drama drags to the final forecast: Your life will never improve.

The next time you notice that your False Self is running the show, make a decision to create inner peace by spending a few minutes reconnecting with Your True Self. Close your eyes and breathe deeply while you consciously shift your posture into your most peaceful, confident way of being.


The external world mirrors our relationship with ourselves back to us so we can see ourselves more clearly. This gift is often wrapped in prickly wrapping paper. An example is when someone else provides us the service of judging us harshly until we achieve a deep inner peace about our bulges and wrinkles. When we deny or ignore a negative mirror, the reflection usually becomes more intense until we love ourselves enough to admit our flaws and clean up our act.

The mirrors we don’t like to view can help us make a critical choice to act with higher integrity. We can resolve old hurts and behavior patterns and honor our true potential. We can decide to stop judging our imperfections. We may eventually decide, “What other people think of me is none of my business. I’m free to be my True Self!”

Sometimes a mirror is like a milestone marker for a world-class athlete. It’s a benchmark reflecting substantial progress. A characteristic someone shines to us causes us to notice, “I used to judge myself for being _______. Now it’s time to celebrate because I cleaned up my act.”

Allow the dance of your true self and your false self to inspire your journey toward greater freedom, joy and success. Because your new treasure chest of self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-respect will comprise the most powerful and dependable support system you can cultivate, your external relationships will be easier and more rewarding.

© 2012 Excerpted with permission from the #1 Bestselling book, “Joy on the Job” by Doris Helge, Ph.D. With over 20 years of experience, award-winning, Certified Master Coach Dr. Doris, has a proven track record of helping people like you Create Your New Life Story. Download your free ebooks and see client testimonials at

Sign up to test drive the next teleclass series, “TRANSFORM A PAINFUL RELATIONSHIP INTO A POWERFUL PARTNERSHIP” at

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