The Key To Resolving Affairs

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The Key To Resolving Affairs
Hearing the story from the 'real cheater' is the key to resolving an affair and moving on!

It can take less than three hours to have an affair. Yet once your affair becomes exposed, you can pretty much count on that sooner or later it will be public knowledge. You will fairly quickly start to feel that the topic will never end. You will find yourself drowning in a sea of endless repetitive questions, countless accusations and threats. Your name will be nominated as the favorite person to gossip abouut in your community. All this reflects the truth that affairs are much easier to get into than it is to resolve them within a marriage.

It will be like closing a door on a Tsunami. However long the affair was, once it has been exposed or discovered, you and your mate will spend an enormous amount of time, sometimes several years, discussing it. In many instances, it will never get resolved and remains as a lingering wound which can be used as a justification in many of the conflicts that arise between the two of you. “Of course I treated you unfairly, but that was nothing compared to what you did.” Adultery: The Secret Behind Why Men Cheat

 

The reason that the discussion of affairs gets dragged out so long, aside from the triggering of childhood wounds, is the way partners communicate following the exposure of the affair. In actuality, the partner who committed the affair never talks to the one they betrayed, even though they will swear that they have many times. In addition, the partner who feels victimized by the affair never really talks to the one who actually cheated, lied, deceived, and betrayed them. They are just under the illusion that they are.

Instead, all of the victim’s questions, accusations, and hurt land on the doorstep of the presentable representative of their mate who tries to appease, apologize, and say the right things as sweetly as they can. Through all this, the guilty party is hoping they will find the magic words that will put an end to this crisis. To that effect, you will hear a litney of “It was only a brief fling," "The person didn’t mean anything to me,” "I was drunk,” ”I was just depressed,” "It will never happen again”, "I was lonely,” and “I feel really bad that I hurt you.” Who Are We Running Away From?

If you are the recipient of this verbiage, you will probably notice that you may feel that none of it seems to make a difference to you, nor will it even seem real to you. This will seem very confusing especially when your partner, seemingly sincere, says, “What more can I say to you? I’ve answered every question now for two months and apologized and promised it won’t happen again multiple times.” You may even feel guilty for saying that you still feel deeply hurt and that despite all the answers, you are still in the dark about what happened. How Can You End a Marriage That Never Was

This article was originally published at The Relationship Doctor Bruce Derman. Reprinted with permission.
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Doctor Bruce Derman

Psychologist

Bruce Derman, Ph.D.

www.therelationshipdoctor.net

The great thing about my books is they provide you with a core understanding of relationship based on my 43 years of being a psychotherapist. They teach you how to move through your impasses without spending countless hours in therapy with the wrong therapist.                         

Location: Woodland Hills, CA
Credentials: PhD
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