Many couples talk about their partners as less than them in some core way. That is the primary reason the divorce rate is so high, since only unequals split apart. In support of this unequal perspective, many people present a picture of their relationships as being essentially an accident, like their coming together was a total mystery to them and everyone else. Within this perspective, some claim that they are the essence of intimacy and just happened to end up with an intimacy cripple. Others are very preoccupied with the differences between the sexes, as described by John Gray in Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, in which women are seen as being into intimate relationships and men are only into tasks and sports.
How many of you have ever verbalized to yourselves in looking at a couple, “Why are they together? They seem so different “. Well you probably got caught up in viewing some superficial quality and missed seeing that they are together because they are the same. The differences were just a façade.
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In my work, I consider all of these conclusions about couples being so different to be myths that distort a true understanding of intimate relationships. Despite all the variations in personality styles among couples, I want to share with you even if you don’t want to hear it, that you can only be with your match. The partner that you are looking at across the table is merely a reflection of your relationship nature, no more, no less, or you wouldn’t have the energy to sustain any involvement. If you are only
open to experiencing fear to a moderate degree, than you will only match with people who are at that level. It will be the same with brief relationships, unavailable people, or high drama individuals. Eckhart Tolle, the author of the Power Of Now states “Ultimately there is no other, as you are always meeting yourself.”
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As a result, if you keep having relationships with alcoholics who need rescuing, it is because you are not ready for more than a little boy, since you are in truth just a little girl who wears a caretaker disguise. Also, if you keep having relationships with narcissistic little girls who dump on you, it is because you are a little boy who doesn’t think he deserves anyone better. All these relationships are not wrong or even
unsuccessful; they are merely statements of who you are and who you are open to meeting.
In addition to your matching reflections, any partner who has an interest in you, especially if you have been together for several years, has the same capacity for intimacy and shares the same level of emotional development as you. In my opinion, if you were truly different in your emotional capacity you wouldn’t be together, and would display what I call loving disinterest. There would be no fighting, debating or arguing; just no interest.